A History of Tunisia, Part 1

THE FACTS
Tunisia, officially the Tunisian Republic, is a country in North Africa. It's primarily arid and hot. Arabic is the official language and islam is the dominant religion. Tunisia is home to one of the highest standards of living and per capita GDPs in Africa, and their currency the Tunisian Dinar is one of the stablest in the continent.

PRE-CARTHAGE TUNISIA (????-780s BCE)
The ethnic Berbers have their roots in the neolithic period. In the Arab West isolated cultures were flourishing by themselves, in small towns and cities, creating tools and weaponry out of stone. 

Not very much is known about the Ancient Berbers other that they came into contact with the Old Kingdom of Egypt and traded with them, with many Berbers and Libyans even entering into the culture of Egypt. It's known that a few pharaohs were originally from Libya or Tunisia. 

Since there was no written account, other than what the Egyptians wrote down, most of what we know about Berber culture comes from archaeological findings. 

The berber religion had similarities to the Egyptian pantheon, as religions that are close to each other geographically tend to have similarities. There are Eygptian gods who show up in Berber mythology and vice versa. 

The berbers were constantly squabbling with other berber clans, which made it difficult to set up a unified Empire like Egypt had done, before it was destroyed, then rebuilt, then destroyed, then rebuilt again, then destroyed again.

The berbers weren't isolated forever. Their position on the northernmost tip of Africa made them first in line for colonization, by the Carthaginians, Greeks and Romans. The berbers made their first steps off Africa when they began to trade with the Spanish. (Keep in mind that these aren't the Spanish language, Antonio Banderas type of Spanish. They are literally from the place we now call Spain, but back then was un-unified tribes and people groups, who eventually came under the control of Rome as the colony of Hispania). 

Tunisia saw trade with the Spanish, as I previously mentioned along with the Greeks, Carthage right next door and the various kingdoms of the Middle East and the Levant.

A History of Tonga

THE FACTS
Tonga is officially the Kingdom of Tonga (Remember it is still a kingdom, headed by Tupou VI) although he doesn't have very much real power. He mostly just sits in a suit and chills out.

Tonga is a nation of about a hundred thousand in the South Pacific, north of New Zealand and east of the Solomon Islands. 

PRE-EUROPEAN CONTACT (????-1616)
Like many of the countries I have delved into the lack of written language makes learning the pre-colonization history hard. Most of it comes from archaeological evidence or stuff the native populace told the Europeans. This stuff is problematic too, because the line between legend and history is often blurred like the original Emperors of China. 

Archaeologists have inspected the tombs of Tongan chiefs and the stonehenge-like structures that the Tongans constructed, but things are still fuzzy. 

The Tongan Empire in the 1100s was the most powerful in the Pacific. This wasn't a traditionally western idea of an Empire with a single leader controlling territories and colonies, but it was more of a culturally and ideological similar area united by trade. The remains of Tongan pottery and other goods have been found as far as the Solomon Islands and Samoa. Tongans belong to the Polynesian subgroup, but their "imperial" influence was felt by the Melanesians and Micronesians.

A History of Trinidad and Tobago

THE FACTS
Trinidad and Tobago, officially the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago, is a small island nation in the West Indies, the closest islands to South America in the island chain.  It is also the most populated of the West Indies and largest in size. The country is known for its dense forests, high peaks in the north and beaches. There is also a large population of Trinidadians in NYC, in the Ozone Park neighborhood.

PRE-COLONIZATION & SPANISH ARRIVAL (????-1600s)
Like other islands in the region Trinidad and Tobago were originally inhabited by the Arawak & Carib people. The Arawak and Carib inhabited the islands from the Bahamas in the north to Trinidad and Aruba in the South, and all throughout the Caribbean and West Indies. 

English has several words from the Arawak and Carib languages like barbecue, caribbean, cannibal, canoe, hammock, hurricane, potato and savannah.

The Arawak and Carib peoples originated in South America, and island hopped until they got to Hispaniola and the Bahamas. Trinidad and Tobago were probably some of the first islands they got to, as they are pretty close to Venezuela.

In 1498, Columbus showed up. This was of course terrible news for the Arawaks because it was the first step in the eradication of their culture and way of life. 

Trinidad almost immediately became Spain's focus. It was yet another source for their slave trade. They captured the Arawaks and sent them to forced labor camps in other holdings around the Caribbean. 

After the slave trade dried up the Spanish were frantic to find a way to suck the most money out of this island as possible. To do this they enlisted the help of Antonio Sedeno. They told Antonio that he had two goals. One, find the lost city of El Dorado, which was first believed to be in Colombia, but now they thought was in Trinidad. (It was in fact, not). His second goal was to get Europeans to come live on Trinidad. You may think, why is this so hard, timeshare salesmen do this all the time, but in the 1500s, journeying from a small Spanish village or a Spanish city in a mild Mediterranean climate to live on a sweltering and remote island in a continent almost completely foreign to not just you, but most people, while constantly afraid of attack from the natives who are really pissed at you for coming here. This idea was pretty hard to sell.

So, long story short Antonio fucked up. Granted, he was given an impossible job, but he failed. He didn't find El Dorado, because it didn't exist and his town that he built (at the site of modern capital Port-of-Spain) didn't really catch on (until later). 

Ponce de Leon Jr. had a better time. He was Ponce de Leon's grandson. You may know Ponce de Leon from his voyages to Florida, where he founded St. Augustine and looked for the fountain of youth. I think Florida is probably the exact last place to look for the fountain of youth, but okay...

Ponce Jr. settled another town which he called "the Town of the Circumcision" which I think is very weird. Towns are supposed to be named after people, or features in the area, or something else, but they most definitely shouldn't be named after the act of removing a baby's foreskin.

THE SPANISH, DUTCH, FRENCH AND ENGLISH (1600s-1800)
By the 1600s, everybody wanted a piece of the Caribbean pie and Trinidad and Tobago was no exception. The Dutch set up a colony which didn't really work out in Tobago, until the Courish (from Courland, modern day Lithuania oddly enough) established New Courland in the region. This also didn't really work out. The island was inevitably handed over to the British who wanted to crack down on the piracy problem. 

Spain was back on Trinidad trying to find gold, and setting up missions. Bringing the arawaks Christianity was an important goal for the Spanish, but wasn't as important as money. 

By the late 18th century the island was still pretty remote. The governments of every major European power wanted the land so they could grow cash crops and set up plantations, but the people themselves were still quick on the draw. By the late 18th century there were only a thousand Europeans on the island and about 1500 slaves. 

Mass settlement only started when the Spanish implemented some desperation moves. They gave any catholic thirty-two free acres of land, plus sixteen for each slave they brought and said "you don't have to pay taxes here for the first TEN years". This started the Caribbean's tradition as a tax haven. Nowadays if there was place where you could avoid taxes entirely for ten years that easily, every person would claim they lived there.

By the beginning of the 19th century, the population was 60% slaves. 10,000 of the island's 17,000 people were slaves, 

BRITISH CONTROL (1816-1962)
Britain officially abolished slavery in 1833, but in many of their colonies the slaves weren't freed until 1840. The plantation owners did everything in their power to lobby against abolition in Parliament, and eventually legally convert all of their slaves into "free apprentices" which weren't in fact free, or really apprentices, but were slaves. 

In 1840 though, the slaves were freed. This sparked two things. The first was an increased amount of Caribbean literature, political satire and criticism & other forms of media made by the newly freed black populace. At this point nearly 80% of all Trinidadians were black and many more were black and Amerindian. Trinidad however was still under White leadership. Most Trinidadians were in favor of a local leader that would represent their interests to Westminster, but Britain refused. 

Another problem that arose after the abolition of the slaves in Trinidad was a labor shortage, so the British began taking workers from China, their colonies in West Africa and their colonies in India. 

Indians are still a large group in Trinidad, with a lot of Indian influence in Trinidadian culture.

Sugar Cane was soon replaced by Cacao and Rum, and later Oil as the main exports of the country, but the plantation economy of the 1800s lasted well into the 1900s, just instead of growing sugar cane with slave labor, they grew cacao with underpayed Indian, Chinese and Black workers. 

In 1937, Tubal Uriah Butler (a person with the NEW coolest name ever) a Grenadian born Trinidadian fought for home rule with general strikes and a hunger strike. Originally dismissive, the British government, eventually giving Trinidad and Tobago their independence in 1962. 

Tubal was a shoe in for Prime Minister when independence came, but people saw him as too radical to be taken seriously in the world stage.

INDEPENDENCE (1962-PRESENT)
The new nation started out well. The oil shortages of the seventies led the US to seek alternative sources and Trinidad saw a new source of income. Standards of living got much better and big public works projects were completed, like the 22 story Eric Williams Plaza, which at the time was the tallest building on the islands.

In 1990, an extremist muslim group called the Jamaat al Muslimeen kidnapped the Prime Minister and held him hostage for a week, before surrendering.

Recently Trinidad and Tobago have fallen on hard times. The drug trade is the source for most organized crime in the country and the murder rate has pentupled in the last ten years, but it is slightly down now. 

FUN FACTS
-Steel Drums were invented in Trinidad and Tobago.
-Trinidad is home to the world's largest Traffic Rotary.
-Trinidad and Tobago was ranked the happiest country in North America.
-The Limbo was invented in Trinidad and Tobago.

A History of Turkey, Part 3

SULEIMAN THE MAGNIFICENT AND THE OTTOMANS (1500-1922)
The Ottoman Empire existed for a ridiculously large amount of time. There is a fact floating around on the internet that the Ottoman Empire existed from the 1200s to 1918, after Warner Bros. was founded. When Bugs Bunny was becoming popular, the Ottoman Empire which had existed for 600 years was still happening.

But, it's peak was in the 1500s. The Ottomans were in full land-grab mode, snatching up land from the weakened Holy Roman Empire and the Polish. The Ottoman Empire weren't really friends with anyone. They warred with the Hapsburg Line in Europe, the Portuguese in Africa and India.

The Ottomans were raking in the dough, because they controlled the trade routes between Japan, China and Mongolia and Europe which meant that if you were a fancy European guy who wanted Silk, Porcelain, Sushi, Anime, Kung-Fu Movies or whatever they have in Mongolia, it had to come through the Ottoman Empire, but the Portuguese were poking around in Africa and figured out that the continent DOES end. They figured out it ended at the Cape of Good Hope and said "hey, we don't have to deal with these Ottoman dickheads on the land-trade routes. Let's just ship the stuff down the Indian Ocean, around the Cape of Good Hope and up the Atlantic. It's kind of outta the way, but it's better than having to deal with the Ottomans". 

This began a sort of downfall for the Ottomans. They lost a lot of the territory they gained in Italy, Hungary, Greece, Poland, Africa and the Balkans.

All of these Empires they pissed off with their bigger army diplomacy now had the bigger armies and were fighting back. 

These trade wars all throughout the 1600s, 1700s and 1800s made the Ottoman Empire a prime target for attack by the 1900s. The weakened Empire was driven from Africa and was cornered in the Middle East and South-East Europe. 

The next major event happened in 1908, when Turkish revolutionaries named the Young Turks  massacred Armenians in the city of Adana in Turkey. The Young Turks were nationalists who felt like Turkey had a place in Europe, but they had to exterminate those who weren't Turkish. They felt like they didn't have a place in the rapidly westernizing Turkey.

The Young Turks overthrew the Ottoman government and replaced it with a constitutional monarchy. They felt like the king shouldn't have actual power, but should be a figurehead like in many other European countries like England. 

The Ottoman Empire was at this point, severely weakened. There had been coup after coup and the government was hurting. They went over to Germany and was like "give us money and we'll fight on your side" and Germany was like "ok". 

The Ottomans entered WWI in 1914 on the side of Germany because of their previously agreed upon alliance. They then got their ass handed to them by the Brits, French and USA.

This was the Ottomans last chance and they were so weak at this point that the Ottoman Empire was divvied up to other European powers. The French took Lebanon and Syria. The British took Palestine, Transjordan and Iraq. Several new countries came into being like Turkey, Armenia and Georgia. (Before the latter two were snatched up by the USSR). 

The new Republic of Turkey was off to a rocky start as countries born of a lost war often are. It was chock-a-block with French and British troops just chilling after their victory in WWI and Turkey was pissed.

REPUBLIC OF TURKEY (1922-PRESENT)
In 1922 the troops were told to beat it by Mustafa Kernal, the country's new leader. The Ottoman Empire which at this point technically existed, but only consisted of Turkey was finally destroyed. The capital was moved from Constantinople to Ankara and Kernal became the new President.

Kernal wanted to bring Turkey into the future so abolished the Muslim laws. He gave women the right to vote, adopted the Latin alphabet and remained neutral in WWII (technically giving aid to the Allies). Kernal seemed like a pretty cool guy. He just wanted to bring Turkey into the 20th century and introduce reforms the rest of Europe had decided were a good idea.

After the war Turkey joined the U.N. Also at this time the USSR wanted to build military bases on the Bosphorus, the strait that separated Anatolia from European Turkey. 

The U.S. sent aid to Turkey, in the hopes that they would side with the US during the Cold War. Turkey sided with the U.S. and NATO. They sent forces to Korea and were generally pretty tense with the USSR. 

Turkey also invaded Cyprus, and set up the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus which today is a disputed territory with Cyprus. Cyprus believes they should control all of the island, yet the north is controlled by Turkey. 

In the 80s, Turkey passed several economic reforms to make it friendlier to outside business which began an economic renaissance for the nation, but the future isn't all rosy for Turkey. This year an attempted coup rocked the government. A sect of the army tried to destroy government buildings. They claimed the government was favoring the muslim population, committing human rights violations and generally was corrupt.

The government claims the coup was carried out by the Gülen Movement, which is defined as a terrorist organization, started by Fethullah Gülen,  a cleric who lives in Pennsylvania.

Gülen sadly isn't the cool kind of cleric that can cast spells, he's just the kind that lives in Suburban Pennsylvania, writes books and respects science. The U.S. claims he's a harmless political critic and that the Turkish government is over-reacting, which has caused a lot of tension.

FUN FACTS
Two of the 7 wonders of the ancient world are in Turkey, the Temple of Artemis and the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus.
St. Nicholas who is the inspiration for Santa Claus was born in Patara, Turkey.
Harran University in Turkey was the first known university in the world.
Turkey was home to a Psychedelic Rock scene called Anatolian Psych. Bands included Erkin Koray, Baris Manko & Selda Bagcan. 
Mahir Cayan, Turkish politician looks like Jimmy Fallon.

A History of Turkey, Part 2

THE BYZANTINES (334 BCE-1450)
Alexander the Great brought a Greek and Roman influence to the region when he showed up in 334 BCE. Alexander was on a quest to cross the old-world on horseback bringing terror and western ideologies to places from Afghanistan to Africa. Alexander decided that Anatolia wasn't worth his time so he divided it up and gave it to various generals and other kinds. 

By the time Rome arrived the region was almost like Greece. Ancient Greek was spoken instead of Anatolian. 

In 324, Constantine I, who I think looks a lot like Patrick Warburton realized that Rome was in trouble. They were under pressure from the Christians who were starting to become a thing at this point, and various European barbarians like the Vandals, Goths and Visigoths. Constantine was scrambling to find a suitable replacement for Rome, and he found Byzantium,  a Roman city in Anatolia, a colony of Rome in modern day Turkey. Anatolia was a suitable replacement. It had a nice Mediterranean climate, similar to Italy's and they weren't under the threat of attack from various pelt-wearing nomads all the time. They were only under threat from various other groups in the area.

Constantine changed the name of Byzantium (which was previously called Lygos, then Augusta Antonina) to New Rome and the move was finalized. 

Side Note: Byzantium got its name changed a lot more than the three times I previously mentioned. After Byzantium it was changed to Constantinople after Constantine, He Polis, the Kostantiniyye, then to Istanbul, then to Stamboul, then to Islambol and back to Istanbul.

At this point there weren't any Turkish people living in Turkey. The Anatolians weren't like the modern Turkish. The language and culture was different and obviously they weren't muslim (as that religion didn't exist yet). 

Turkish people were originally from the Central Asian Steppe and Siberia. They traded with the chinese under the Gokturk banner and were mostly Buddhist and animist. Many modern ethnic groups have Turkish or part-Turkish ancestry like the Persians in modern Iran, Mongolians and the Jews of Eastern Europe. The Turks eventually ended up in Anatolia in the 600s, just in time to be converted by Mohammed and his followers.

The Turks were originally outsiders in Turkey, which seems odd, but they were. They didn't feel welcomed by the Byzantine Empire (the dominating superpower in the region). The Turks created the Seljuq Empire which was headed by ethnically Turkish people. They captured large swaths of land in Anatolia which pissed off the Byzantines. The Ottoman Empire was the natural continuation of the Seljuq Empire. It started around when the Seljuq Empire ended. The Ottomans were known around the known world for their military prowess and ability to conquer. They defeated the Byzantines, destroying their Empire except for a small holding in Constantinople. Finally in 1453, the Ottomans succeeded. They sacked Constantinople, nearly 1000 years after the barbarians sacked Rome. 

The Turks Turkified Constantinople in to Kostantiniyye and their ruler Mehmed II sat upon the throne. This signified the start of Turkey's renaissance (which conveniently aligned with the rest of Europe's renaissance). If you want to learn more about this time period play Assassin's Creed: Revelations, which is set in Kostantiniyye in 1510. 

Mehmed II (who had a pretty reasonably sized Turban) gave the throne up to his next of kin (with increasingly huge Turbans) eventually leading to Suleiman the Magnificent whose turban was frankly an insane size. It was a tradition that Ottoman Sultans had very interesting headwear.

A History of Turkey, Part 1

PROFILE
Region: The Middle East
Climate: Seasonal Temperate, Hot Mediterranean
Leader(s): Tayyip Erdogan, since 2014 (at time of writing)
Population: 79,463,663
Capital: Ankara
Largest City: Istnabul
Currency: Turkish Lira
Languages: Turkish
Independence: N/A, was created from the Ottoman Empire in 1920
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS
Turkey, officially the Republic of Turkey is a large nation in the Middle East & Europe, bordering Bulgaria. It is often known as the crossroads of the world because it's located on the divide between Europe and Asia. Istanbul is one of the few Intercontinental Cities like Panama City, Panama (half in South America, half in North America) or Port Said, Egypt (half in Africa, half in Asia). 

Turkey is known for its unique cuisine, culture and language that is unlike any other in the world. It's culture is an interesting mix of Middle Eastern, Central Asian and Eastern European influences.

BEFORE THE BYZANTINES (????-324)
Turkey is home to some of the oldest civilizations in the world. It's in close proximity to the cradle of humanity (the Tigris and Euphrates delta) and is home to what many consider the oldest city in the world Catalhoyuk. This town was a clump of buildings (what would be considered a village or small town by today's standards). It had agriculture on its edges (a recent invention), specialization within its walls like artisans and potters, etc. and was home to four to five thousand, one of the largest concentrations of people at this time.

Keep in mind that most humans were either a). nomads who just wandered around, ate whatever they could and preoccupied themselves with hunting, sleeping, sex and figuring out why the terrifying light in the sky always goes behind the earth or b.) you were a farmer who without the tools needed for large scale agriculture were relegated to small measly plots where you could grow a couple of the crops that grew in your local area and nothing else. Life wasn't great and living cities was important because it allowed you to have a career other than farmer, hunter or gatherer. 

At this time there was no such thing as a Turkish people. There were various groups like the Hattians, Hittites and others who would set up a primitive empire centered around a large town and spread their influence around the general area, and then would be wiped out by the Assyrians or some other group that wanted to control that land even more. The period between 2000 and 1200 BCE was a period of varying control by various groups. Stability wasn't anywhere to be found. 

Persia controlled the region for a bit, but the most important ruler the region had was Rome. Rome set up the farthest reaches of its Empire in Anatolia. They set up a capital in Constantinople. The Byzantine Empire or Eastern Roman Empire actually became more stable and powerful than the Western Roman Empire. When Rome was sacked in 410 by those nasty Barbarians it didn't really affect the Byzantines who were off doing their own thing in Turkey and Greece. 

Next post I will go into the rest of the history up to the renaissance. Turkey might require three posts as it's very complex. 

A History of Turkmenistan, Part Two

ARAB INVASION & OTHERS (600s-1157)
The Arabs arrived in the region in the 600s, shortly after their conquest of the Arabian peninsula was complete, the Arabs wanted to find more territory to spread their religion to. The Arab conquest of this region was discussed in the Uzbekistan post previously. Religion was a powerful motivator, that caused thousands of Arab troops to arrive in a distant and strange land that was unlike anything they'd ever seen. It was persian in culture and most people were Zoro-Astrian, the religion of the Ancient Persians (one of the earliest Monotheistic religions). They first occupied the city of Merv (named for noted Turkmen Merv Griffin). Merv was the Arab's home base for their missionary efforts. 

The Arabs went as far east as China and as far west as Turkey. To this day the Western part of China has a large ethnically Central Asian Muslim population.

The Turkmen people weren't huge fans of the occupying Arabs. They took to their religion pretty well, but they weren't big on the military force itself. There's a story of a Goldsmith in Merv who told the Abbasid named Abu Muslim (who was so Muslim he was literally named Muslim) to not fight fellow muslims (meaning the people of Turkmenistan). Abu Muslim said "fuck that" and killed the Goldsmith and his entire family, as well as forty innocents because he felt like it.

The Arabs were overthrown by the Seljuks. The Seljuk occupation was a bit better for the average Turkmen person. Architecture was built (too bad most of it is dusty ruins at this point), paintings were painted and pottery was made. Pottery is usually a sign a culture is doing well. If they can designate hours a day painting ornate symbols on some ceramic it means they're doing pretty good.

At this time though, the Turkmen ethnic group which is how most people from Turkmenistan identify didn't really exist. 

The Turkmen originated from a loose group of nine tribes around Lake Baikal in Russia, just north of Mongolia. These tribes were nomadic and eventually found their way to modern-day Turkmenistan and felt like settling down. There was some conflict between them and the other tribes and civilizations in the region, but it's mostly pretty boring and not important to the history of Turkmenistan as some tribes one and some tribes lost, etc.

MONGOLS SHOW UP (1157-1700s)
In 1157 the Mongols invaded! The Mongols arriving in your country is usually a bad sign and when I say usually I mean always. The Mongols tore shit up! They burned Merv to the ground (which is why it's not a city anymore, and is more of a dirt pile with some ruins on it). 

The Mongols did with Turkmenistan what they did with everywhere else they invaded. Genghis Khan just pawned the land off on one of his generals or kids that he liked or something like that. He was like:

"Hey Chagatai, son. You've been doing pretty well. I figured you're ready for the responsibility that comes with managing a vast expanse of land. All you have to do is supply your warriors with enough money so they can terrorize the villages and towns in the land and it'll basically take care of itself. Alright, bye now. I'm off to go cross the Great Wall of China like it's nothing." 

After the Mongols fell, a couple more empires captured the land like Timur who died a bit afterward and his Empire went with him and some smaller Tribes that governed the land for a bit.

RUSSIAN COLONIZATION (1800s-1917)
Russia and its ever expanding empire eventually reached the arid steppe of Turkmenistan. In 1869 the Russian government built a city designed as a port-town on the Caspian Sea called Krasnovodsk. Russia expanded its influence in the region by cracking down on the Slave trade in the region, mostly commited by Turkmen steppe residents. Russia outlawed slavery in 1723 and used this as a reason for their involvement in the region, even though they really wanted the land and natural resources.

Russians began settling the barren swathes of land in Turkmenistan founding cities like Ashgabat (the nation's capital) and this pissed off the Turkmen people who lived there already. They didn't want outsiders to come and ruin their land. 

If you want more information on why Russia was claiming so much land check out the section of the Uzbekistan post where I talk about "The Great Game". I won't talk about it here because I'd be mostly repeating myself.

USSR (1917-1991)
Turkmenistan in 1917, became something of a problem for the newly formed USSR. It was filled with people that hated Moscow and Russia in general, but not for the reasons that the Bolsheviks did. They hated everything Russian and wanted out of the Russian Empire and the USSR. Most Turkmen people either didn't care the outcome of the Russian Revolution or were actively rooting against the Bolsheviks. 

Turkmenistan was kept out of the spotlight for most of the 20th century as a satellite country of the USSR, that wasn't super important on the world stage. It still is pretty forgotten. It's the 7th least visited country in the world being beaten out by Tuvalu (which I talked about last week) and Somalia for obvious reasons, among others.

The country wasn't talked about much and the USSR almost seemed to forget it existed. 

INDEPENDENCE (1991-PRESENT)
Turkmenistan, along with the other Soviet States became independent in 1991-1992. Saparmurad Niyazov, who was the head of the communists was elected (in a less than fair election). Niyazov seems to be trying to beat out Idi Amin for craziest dictator discussed on this blog however.

Niyazov's official title is "President of the Republic of Turkmenistan, Leader of ALL Turkmen". He wrote a new-age spirituality book called the Ruhnama which honestly sounds awful and made it mandatory in school. He changed the names of months, cities and other places to names of his family members and other things he deems worthy.

He also took term limits out of the constitution and declared himself President for Life which isn't good. That's dictator red-flag number one right there.

He then mysteriously died in 2006, leaving his illegitimate son Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow (the leader with the longest name EVER) in charge. He won with 89% of the vote which seems fishy at best. He did some things to help Turkmenistan step into the 21st century like removing the internet firewall and allowing some criticism of the government. He also used some of Turkmenistan's new oil-money to refurbish the capital city and infrastructure around the country.

Even though some things are getting better life in Turkmenistan is still rough and without many political freedoms. It seems like things are improving though thanks in part to leadership that's crazy, but not AS crazy as Niyazov and the new oil money.

FUN FACTS
-Turkmenistan is home to the Gate to Hell (a.k.a. the Crater of Fire or the Door to Hell) a crater that is eternally on fire because of natural gas under the surface of the desert. It is known to be the most Metal tourist attraction in the world.
-Turkmenistan is exposed to "extreme seasons" with temperatures going from 15 degrees in the winter to 120 degrees in the summer.
-Turkmenistan has half the population of New York City, but 13 times as many airports.
-There is a carpet museum with the Guinness world record for largest hand-woven carpet.
-Even though firewalls have been lifted only 1.5% percent of Turkmenistan residents use the internet, so they're probably not reading this.

A History of Turkmenistan, Part One

PROFILE
Region: Central Asia
Climate: Extreme Continental, Desert
Leader(s): Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, since 2006 (at time of writing)
Population: 5,171,943
Capital: Ashgabat
Largest City: Ashgabat
Currency: Turkmen New Manat
Languages: Turkmen, Russian
Independence: 1991, from the Soviet Union
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS
Turkmenistan is one of the stan countries in Central Asia. These often forgot about countries are vast in size, taking up land conquered by the Mongols, but are low in population like Mongolia. The people in these countries are from a variety of ethnic groups that were Turkic in origin, hence the origin of the name Turkmenistan.

EARLY HISTORY (????-600s)
The first time Turkmenistan shows up in history is when Alexander the Great arrives in the 300s BCE. Alexander the Great brought his Macedonians all the way to Afghanistan and passed through central Asia conquering stuff and naming cities after himself and his horse.

The Region at the time was only controlled by Stone-Age groups of nomadic warriors and Alexander the Great was able to overpower them technologically. Alexander the Great didn't have time to rule everything though and his empire was short lived, much like himself and it died with him when he got a cold, or died of alcohol poisoning (depending on who you listen to, but getting a cold isn't a very cool way to go). 

The Persians later re-conquered the region like they did in Uzbekistan and added it to its province of Transoxiana. You may remember this from the Uzbekistan post, as these countries are near each other much of there history will overlap and I'll just reference previous posts if necessary.

A History of Uganda

PROFILE
Region: Sub-Saharan Africa
Climate: Tropical, Wet and Rainy
Leader(s): Yoweri Museveni, since 1986 (at time of writing)
Population: 37,873,253
Capital: Kampala
Largest City: Kampala
Currency: Ugandan Shilling
Languages: Swahili, English, Ateso, Kakwa, Kinyarwanda, Kumam, Luganda, Lugbara, Lugwere, Lunyoli, Luo, Lusamia, Lusoga, Rukonjo, Runyankole, Runyoro, Sebei
Independence: 1962, from the United Kingdom
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS
Uganda is relatively small, but densely populated nation in Sub-Saharan Africa bordered by Tanzania, Rwanda, the DRC, South Sudan and Kenya. It's in the African Great Lakes region, a region of lakes formed by the Great Rift Valley, including Lake Kyoga, Lake Albert, Lake Victoria, Lake Edouard, Lac Kivu, Lake Tanganyika and Lake Malawi among others. It is run by Yoweri Museveni, who many consider a dictator, who himself overthrew the previous dictator Idi Amin, known for being suspected of cannibalism. 

EARLY HISTORY (????-1894)
Uganda stayed relatively isolated from Europe and Asia. Uganda at this time was never really a superpower in the region, but it was always connected to those in power. The kingdoms of Buganda and Bunyoro made ties with the Sudanese in the north, who made money selling slaves in the Arab Slave trade. They also had ties with the Zanzibarians who occupied the islands of Zanzibar and didn't trade slaves as much which makes them better than the Sudanese in my book.

The Arab slave trade and the African Slave trade went the way of the dinosaur well before Europe arrived in the region which means that North Africa had to find a new industry and oil wasn't useful yet, so they went with spice trading and trade in general. The Buganda as well as other smaller kingdoms didn't have as much of a problem though, because they never traded in slaves, they just allied with countries that did, so this didn't effect the economy very much which was primarily farming. 

I've talked about this in the Zimbabwe and Zambia posts, but there is an idea of pre-colonial Sub-Saharan Africa as this vast jungle full of uncontacted tribes like are still today found in the Amazon and the Indian Ocean, but while there were some uncontacted tribes like the Pygmies, most people lived under the jurisdiction of some sort of Kingdom. These kingdoms would most likely be divided into regional councils, like town councils that would make laws for the region. 

Pre-Colonial Africa had a system of civics as complex as Europe at the time. Let's say the average European in the middle ages is named Berchtold. He lives in the German countryside. He technically lives in the Holy Roman Emprie, but he probably doesn't care as the laws that effect him are the laws of a local Vassal (basically a medieval sheriff) or if he's indentured, the laws of the landowner he works for would matter. 

Similarly many Early Ugandans were subsistence farmers who lived under the jurisdiction of a Kingdom they likely had no contact with, but their village or region had a council that was more important.

The Buganda Kingdom was a legit Kingdom too. It had a feared army and a fancy capital in Kampala (Uganda's present day Capital city, on the shores of Lake Victoria).

The African Great Lakes Region before the arrival of the British was described as "A World in Miniature". It had a vast network of roads, trade routes and warring kingdoms and warlords. The Arab influenced north was vastly different from the Buganda in the center of it all and the Zanzibarians off the coast or the Pygmies hidden in the jungle. It was like African Game of Thrones. 

First contact with the world beyond the Arab World (meaning Europe and the U.S. of A.) happened, not when the British arrived in the 1890s, but earlier when the Ivory Trade became profitable. Uganda was in the heart of Ivory Territory and hunted Ivory for profit, (almost until Elephants became extinct). Uganda at this time was ballin. They had all of this Ivory money. They were trading with Europe, they had recently converted partially to this religion they'd just learned about called Islam. Things were pretty good for the Buganda.

Bugandans were even wearing clothing from America called "mericani" (like a-mericani), drinking British Tea and coffee and buying guns from Europe. This is why when Colonists and Missionaries arrived in the land they described it as very western and modernized. 

All of this good stuff sadly had to come to an end when all of this trading with the outside world led to three different outbreaks of diseases the Bugandans weren't immune to like smallpox and sleeping sickness. Dammit!

BRITISH COLONIZATION (1894-1962)
All of this set the stage for the British to show up and take all of their shit, as the story goes once again, but this time it was slightly different. The British never fully colonized the region. They arrived relatively late and the region was already pretty westernized. They set up a "Protectorate" which is kind of like a Colony, except the government stays the same (non-British) and the British just keeps some profits, changes the flag, imposes British culture and protects the land with their army. Very few British people came and lived in the land like they did in the USA, Canada, Australia, South Africa or New Zealand.

The country was split between converts to Islam and Christianity. But these new Christians were already divided. Some of the missionaries converted them into Catholics, while others were Protestant, and so violence erupted Ireland style, but this time in Africa, because one group that decided they liked Jesus now felt their love for Jesus was incompatible with the other group that recently decided they liked Jesus, but in a different way. (I'm still not 100% sure of the key fundamental differences between Protestants and Catholics. I get there are differences in the way the church is set up and what you do, like sacraments and priests and what not. I know that protestants were protesting something, but those problems had more to do with 1300s Europe than they do with anything now. I dunno, probably something more important that I don't understand).

During colonization Britain sided with the most powerful group in the region the Buganda Kingdom, which alienated the Bunyoro, the second largest land-holders in the Protectorate. The Buganda became hated by other Kingdoms for basically selling out to Britain and the West. 

For a lot of normal everyday people though not much changed. They still lived in a village and farmed, but instead of having a flag that had a white stripe with a lion and shield in it surrounded by blue stripes, their flag was a blue field with a union jack on the upper left with a crested crane on it. In other words not much but the flag, language and money changed.

Even the language element is debateable. While many Ugandans today speak English, traditional languages are preferred.

The region seemed to dodge both World Wars unlike many other of its neighboring countries. This region was the frontlines for many of the battles in Africa, as Germany's crown jewel in Africa (German East Africa, now called Tanzania) was nudged right up against Britain's holdings in Uganda, Zambia and Kenya, as well as Belgium's Congo Free State. Belgium wasn't super thrilled with Germany on account of Germany invading them, so the Free State warred with German East Africa, as well as Portuguese Mozambique, which didn't do much fighting as Portugal was essentially neutral, but they sided with Britain.

INDEPENDENCE (1962-PRESENT)
In 1962 Uganda gained independence as the U.K. was trying to jettison some of its colonial holdings as they were starting to look bad. 

Milton Obote became the first president and declared the country should be a Republic, which lasted approximately nine years before insane person Idi Amin decided he wanted a stab at controlling the country.

He wasn't a good choice for Uganda for the following reasons:

• He probably had brain syphilis or bipolar disorder.
• He bestowed upon himself this ridiculously garish title "His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular" and no, I did not sneak that MC in the middle. Idi Amin was not secretly a rapper, that stood for Military Cross.
• He claimed to be the King of Scotland despite not being born in Scotland, none of his family being from Scotland and having very little contact with Scotland in general, also the fact that Scotland hasn't had a king for 400 years as well
• He was rumored to be a cannibal and even if he wasn't, somebody has to be pretty fucked up to be rumored to be a cannibal.

But seriously he was a horrible dictator that rose to popularity as an affable, likable man of the people who seemed to lose his mind over time. He alienated Uganda's Asian, Jewish and intellectual community, as he deemed these groups threatening to his regime. 

He burned books, killed those with glasses and destroyed chess boards and other things associated with intellectualism.

Thankfully Amin's rule was ended in 1979, but recently the country has been hit with a string of dictators, like Museveni, but not much is better.

A History of Tuvalu

PROFILE
Region: Oceania
Climate: Warm, Tropical 
Leader(s): Enele Sopoaga, since 2013 (at time of writing)
Population: 10,640
Capital: Fongafele
Largest City: Fongafele
Currency: Tuvaluan Dollar, Australian Dollar
Languages: Tuvaluan, English
Independence: 1978, from the U.K.
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS
Tuvalu is a tiny island nation in the South Pacific midway between Hawaii and Australia. It is one of the smallest nations geographically and population wise, as the fourth smallest by area and the second least populous. It has fewer people than San Francisco's Chinatown district a neighborhood four by eight blocks large.

The country itself is comprised of nine island groups in an archipelago. Tuvalu is one of the countries most affected by climate change because of how low lying and small it is. 

Another idea of how small it is: there is only one High-School that every one in the nation goes to and only two supermarkets. 

PRE-CONTACT (????-1568)
Not very much is known about the islands before arrival by Europeans who wrote stuff down. The culture of Oceania didn't have written languages and therefore history was passed down orally. The Tuvaluan people were believed to have come from Samoa on outrigger canoes. This website has information on how the polynesian people groups navigated the vast Pacific ocean and has details about expeditions a recreated outrigger canoe made around the world recently.

The Samoans quickly populated eight of the islands, giving Tuvalu it's name: Eight Standing Together in early Austronesian dialects.

SPANISH CONTACT (1568-1861)
The Spanish were messing around in that area during the late 1500s. They had successfully found their way to India (with no help from Columbus, that dumbass) and they had just started to expand their voyages into the South Pacific, discovering Australia (which they, at the time, believed was a part of Antarctica) and discovering this massive ocean they hadn't had much contact with.

This guy Alvaro de Mendana y Neyra was a Spanish explorer who was dicking around in this area when he happened across Nui, a small atoll that today contains little more than a few speckles of houses and a bunch of palm trees. He thought the island was so great he called in Jesus. 

Some Nui islanders were concerned that this massive wooden ship that was bigger than any boat they'd ever seen before, populated with a bunch of white guys in tights and sailed out to try and figure out what was going on in the boat. Alvaro didn't make contact with the islanders instead writing in his journal that the islanders were "naked" and "brown" and that their was a large dock on the island.

Mendana showed up a couple more times, but never made contact.

Europe left it alone, similar to Vanuatu, because they didn't think these places had any resources that they needed and they were so hard to get to that even if they did have resources, it probably wouldn't be worth it to spend gajillions of dollars shipping them 6000 miles through choppy sea.

In 1819, the next big step forward for Tuvalu came when this british guy Arent de Peyster almost crashed into Funafuti. He renamed the islands Ellice's Group, because Britain wasn't so hot on Spain at the time and the way he could get back at Spain and get some props from the British government would be to give this far-off, pretty isolated and not totally important to the geo-political climate of Europe, group of islands a British name. This name stuck until 1976, when Tuvalu gained independence and chose a native name.

The islands were again left alone. They were visited by some more British guys, then some American guys, one of whom was named Obed Starbuck of Nantucket, MA. He wasn't super important, I just wanted to write the name Obed Starbuck, because it's really cool.

EUROPE STARTS TO SHOW UP AND LIVE ON THE ISLANDS (1861-1940s)
In the 1860s, Europe showed up and this means two things. Illegal Slavery and Jesus! The Illegal Slavery thing wasn't too successful as the Tuvaluans ended up just killing the slavers (a.k.a. Blackbirders), but 400 Tuvaluans were captured and sold to plantations in Fiji, Samoa and even Hawai'i (slavery had been Abolished in the U.S., but at this time Hawai'i was a sovereign kingdom run by Kamehameha V, who was fine with it). 

The missionaries actually arrived by accident. They were doing missionary stuff in the Cook Islands, and their boat accidentally drifted off course. I don't know how you slip 1,600 miles off course, but hey I'm not a sailor. 

Missionaries and traders began arriving at the islands in the 1880s and 1890s. The islanders weren't super thrilled to have all of these Europeans taking their coconuts and trying to convert them to Christianity, but it eventually worked out for the missionaries. Now most people in the country are Christian. 

The white population on the islands was never super high though (at one point Funafuti only had two white residents, a soldier of fortune named Al and a trader named George Westbrook) which sounds like the setup for a sitcom, but it isn't. 

The islands were handed to the british in 1877, all the while the native Tuvaluans were pissed. They were having their natural resources taken from them and they didn't even get to keep any of the cool colonial architecture associated with being a colonized island nation.

WW2 & INDEPENDENCE (1940s-PRESENT)
The Tuvaluans were double pissed when war-crazy Japan showed up and started claiming all of these Pacific Islands. The British lost control briefly, during a Japanese occupation. America showed up to kick out the Japanese and blow stuff up, and the Tuvaluan people are happy that the crazy Japanese are out of their hair, but the U.S. just start building military bases and airfields on the islands. "Come on!!!" -Tuvaluans during WW2

Now, it's post-war, and you're Great Britain. You're thinking to yourself "I have all of these territorial possessions left over from the colonial era and this newfangled UN isn't super into colonizers like myself", so in 1974 the Brits say to the Tuvaluans "hey, you guys need to set up your own government, we're giving you up." This wasn't one of those U.S.A. or South America style independences that involve big wars, garish songs and national heroes that are later idolized for saying and doing things they probably didn't say or do. This was the quiet, diplomatic kind that involved lots of paperwork and guys at desks looking at charts with numbers on them. The boring kind, but the kind with less maiming and killing, so I guess the better kind.

After independence most things were good. Tuvalu's standard of living is pretty high for the region and how much political turmoil can possible come from a country smaller than Disneyland with the population of a poorly attended Joan Jett concert. 

The biggest problem now for Tuvaluans is climate change. Rising sea levels are threatening the land itself and many Tuvaluans might soon have to move to other countries like Fiji, Solomon Islands and Australia or the U.S.

FUN FACTS
Tuvalu is smaller than San Francisco's Chinatown.
You could fit the entire population of Tuvalu into AT&T Park in San Francisco and it would only be a quarter full. 

A History of Ukraine, Part 2

KIEVAN RUS (800s-1300s)
Sadly there's no writing documenting the founding of Kiev, but most believe it began to be built up in the late 800s as part of the Khazar state, an empire that spanned from Uzbekistan, through the caucasus region to Eastern Europe, basically encircling the Caspian Sea and the Black Sea. In 882 it was conquered by the Varangians, who were basically Vikings, but not Norse. They came from the Baltic Region and regions east of there. Kiev (and Ukraine as well) was important because it was a good area for trade. You may hear me saying this a lot (in past posts) but if the country is in Eurasia, there's a good chance it was involved in either Silk Road trade or Indian Ocean trade. Eurasia (often called the Old World, with North Africa) was heavily networked with trade routes from the often isolated Japan to Portugal, and from the Mongolians of the north to the various groups of India. 

Many consider the Kievan Rus the city state that began the Russian Empire, and while Kiev was the crossroads of Eastern Europe it wasn't as much of a city state as say Singapore is now. It didn't have a unique cultural identity and was more of a band of ethnically similar tribes that formed an urban conglomeration. 

Rus in this context means a kingdom or city state under the Russian umbrella. You may know of Belarus, but there was also Chorna Rus, Cherven Rus and the Lithuanian Rus. 

These Rus's weren't in anyway unified though. They were constantly at war or bickering, as neighboring political entities tend to do. 

However, for the people of Kiev, times weren't as bad as they could have been if they lived in the feudal hellscape of Central Europe. Sure, they weren't as nice as they were in the Arab world at the time, but there's always something worse, I guess.

This relative stability wouldn't last though because in 1240 the Mongols sacked Kiev. DAMMIT! The Mongols ruin everything: Kiev, The Order of the Assassins and countless cool empires. On the bright side he might have reduced carbon emissions by killing so many people forests overtook formerly populated places, so... I guess that's good. 

POLISH AND RUSSIAN RULE (1300s-1700s)
Let's skip forward in time a bit to the next big change in Ukraine's history. In 1569 Poland and Lithuania joined forces so they had a better chance of not being invaded every three days by Russia or Prussia. This commonwealth quickly became one of the largest countries in Europe taking over parts of Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Latvia and Estonia. Many ethnically polish people showed up to Ukraine in hopes of farming and using their not-yet-spoiled-by-radiation soil to grow food. The Ukrainians welcomed them with pretty open arms and intermingled with them. 

Also, let's not forget that this was the Renaissance and Poland knew it. Poland was the closest thing to a huge art producer like Western Europe that the Ukraine had and Poland introduced new ideas like making paintings of rich people and wearing feathers (and other renaissance things, but mostly those first two). 

Many of these Poles that showed up in Ukraine came to be known as Cossacks, which is where we get the term today. 

In 1648 the Cossacks rebelled in what is called "The Ruin" (finally historians give something a cool name). The Cossacks were sick of being ruled by Warsaw, which they feel didn't care about Ukrainians and Cossacks. They were almost totally independent at this point, but that meant they would have to fight their own wars and that's exactly what they did against their old parents The Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth as well as the Ottomans who just like being dicks and getting in the way. 

Here's where Russia shows up. They tell Ukraine (aka the Cossacks) "Hey guys. You're under threat of invasion by Poland-Lithuania at any time. That sucks. We hate them too. How about you let us build some forts in your land and we'll provide protection from them. We're totally not going to slowly overthrow your government and replace it with a puppet government that takes orders from us. That would be totally rude."

But, they did that though. Never trust Russia.

This however did have some upsides. The Ottomans were deathly afraid of Russia so immediately backed off and so did the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, before being partitioned back into nothingness.

But it was mostly bad. Russia, as mighty as they were, were incredibly afraid of uprising or revolution. They banned the Ukrainian language and suppressed their cultural identity, replacing it with a Russian one. 

SPLIT BETWEEN RUSSIA AND AUSTRIA (1700s-1991)
For most of the 1800s, Ukraine was split between Austria (and Austro-Hungary) and Russia, with it's massive empire. Russia was gaining territory so quickly it eventually became the largest Empire on earth in size, remnants of it remain today as the country of Russia. 

Ukraine, like Uzbekistan (from a couple posts ago) didn't like being under Russia's control. They fought in the Ukrainian War of Independence in 1917. They successfully set up a state (The Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic) but it only was independent for 3 years (1919-1922), before being consumed by the massive machine that was the USSR. 

In WW2 Ukraine was on the front lines as one of the first points of entry into the USSR from Western Europe and therefore a ton of fighting took place there. Ukrainians weren't all that thrilled to fight under the flag of a country they hated, but they also felt the need to defend their land against the Nazis and Italians. 

Post war this new-fangled body called the UN was starting up in from the ashes of the LON and they wanted Ukraine to be in it. But the USSR said "How can one of my constituents act as an independent country. That'd be like asking if Virginia wanted a seat in the UN, without considering the USA". But Ukraine got in, even though it was technically a part of the USSR. The UN shows favoritism for smaller scrappy states that want independence, rather than large monolithic Empires. 

INDEPENDENCE (1991-PRESENT)
When the USSR collapsed, Ukraine became one of the largest new nations with a land area larger than  most countries in Europe and a large population as well. 

The independence referendum which was just a formality at this point got 90% of the vote (only 56% in Crimea, showing their early signs of wanting to split) and they were off on their on way. 

Things were rocky at first, like the path for most new nations, and the country was full of corruption, political prisoners and other problems that you'll find all over Eastern Europe and the former Soviet countries. 

Things were at a boiling point when Leonid Kuchma, president of Ukraine was convicted of abducting journalist Georgiy Gongadze, who ran an anti-establishment internet newspaper. Kuchma said he wouldn't run for a second term because if he did he would probably get like 0.00001% of the vote. 

Their next president Yushcheko tried to cut ties with Russia favoring the EU. He thought fostering relations with the rest of Europe would be a good idea. He was right. Too bad his plan couldn't be enacted because he lost the election to Viktor Yanukovych another Ukrainian politician named Victor with a last name starting with "Y". 

He is known to many in the west as a Putin suck up, who carried out illegal political imprisonment and the guy who had a petting zoo installed at his mansion, but when reporters questioned why he would have such a thing claimed all of the animals (mostly ostriches) just showed up there and congregated by themselves.

In 2014 Russia invaded the Crimean peninsula and Yanukovych just kind of let it happen. I WONDER WHY!?!? He let it happen because him and Putin are pals. This invasion split the country. Some were pro EU and Anti-Russia, and some were Anti-EU and pro Russia. 

Now Ukraine is in a full on war over Crimea with the death count in the thousands (mostly civilians) with a crumbling economy and rampant corruption. So, it can only get better, I guess.

FUN FACTS
If you don't count Russia, Ukraine is the largest country in Europe by Area.
It is common to say "Ta ni" which translates to "Yeaaaaaaah, no"
Subway stations are massive, because they were designed to hide war-planes and bombs in war time.
Ukraine isn't as big as Texas.

A History of the Ukraine, Part 1

PROFILE

Region: Eastern Europe

Climate: Temperate, Continental, Seasonal

Leader(s): Volodymyr Groysman, since 2016 (at time of writing)

Population: 42,539,010

Capital: Kiev, also spelled Kyiv

Largest City: Kiev
Currency: Ukrainian Hryvnia
Languages: Ukranian

Independence: 1991, from the USSR
Territories or Colonies: None

EARLY HISTORY & THE NOMADS (????-900s)
Ukraine was first populated with Neanderthals thousands of years ago, but they all died out because Humans are much better at planning & thinking than the Neanderthals were. In the late BCE times around the turn of the millennium the area was populated mostly by Dacians, Cimmerians, Scythians and Sarmatians. These groups had ties to Rome and were probably considered by Rome subgroups of Eastern Barbarians.

Rome wasn't a huge fan of Barbarians considering they tried to sack Rome many, many times. The Romans were cautious of the Iron Age Ukrainians. They expanded their territory with camps in Greece and didn't attack Rome very much. These Iron Age Ukrainians were similar to the Caucasian (and I mean from the Caucasus, not White) nomadic groups that occupied what is now Russia, Georgia, Armenia, Azerbaijan and Iran.

Many different groups made Ukraine its home. After the Eastern Nomadic groups came the Bulgars, where Bulgaria gets its name from. Their capital city of Phanagoria lies right on the straight between Crimea and Russia, which now is kind of a part of Russia. This whole debacle is really confusing and I'll try to explain it later.

A History of The United Arab Emirates

PROFILE

Region: The Middle East

Climate: Hot, Dry, Desert-y

Leader(s): Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, since 2006 (at time of writing)

Population: 5.779.760

Capital: Abu Dhabi

Largest City: Dubai
Currency: UAE Dirham
Languages: Arabic

Independence: 1761, from the United Kingdom
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS
The United Arab Emirates is a country in the Middle East, in the southern portion of the Arabian Peninsula. Like the U.S. the UAE is more of an alliance than a country, but instead of states UAE is comprised of Emirates which are like mini-kingdoms. It's in a hot-arid desert climate and is very rich with oil, having the 7th largest oil reserves in the world. Recently it has moved from oil to tourism and investment, being known as a playground for the rich. The UAE is home to islands in the shape of the world map, large palm-shaped artificial islands, the worlds largest mall, the worlds tallest building, the future worlds largest amusement park and an indoor ski resort. 

However, this has led to a huge wealth-gap. While rich Emirati and rich foreign nationals live well, many poor Emirati and migrant workers from India, Pakistan and Southeast Asia face human-rights violations and terrible, near-slavery working conditions. 

The history might be kind of complicated considering UAE has seven independence dates in 1761, 1775, 1819, 1820, 1899, 1900 & 1952. 

BEFORE ISLAM (????-632) The Arabian region in general is known as a crossroads between Africa, Asia and Africa (the Old World) as Uzbekistan was in the last post. Scientists believe that the region was one of the first human populated places outside of Africa. The whole Arabian peninsula was populated with pre-Islam nomadic cultures that believed in folk religions.

One of these groups was the Umm an-Nar, who existed alongside the Egyptians in the 2000s BCE. The Umm an-Nar traded with North Africa and the rest of the Arabian Peninsula and like the Egyptians had a culture that was very burial-focuses. While they didn't quite construct 400 foot tall tombs, they had fairly ornate traditions building cylindrical fortresses out of stone. The era was a golden age for UAE cultures. Art and trade were very prevalent. Another interesting bonus fact is that Umm an-Nar means "Mother of Fire" which on the scale of cool names is pretty high alongside Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, the Gauls and Vestal Coffin a civil war figure.

The Umm an-Nar were followed by several groups like the Wadi Suq, who in comparison to the Umm an-Nar kinda Suqqed Ass. They didn't have nearly as many trade connections or as much art or ornate tomb construction as their predecessors.

Now you may wonder why anyone at all lived in this inhospitable desert before the invention of AC, advanced irrigation techniques or oil extraction. Back in these days these cultures knew how to work the land using their early irrigation techniques of building long canals that brought water deep into the desert. These canals could be as narrow as a foot, but they used gravity to carry water farther than many irrigation systems at the time.

Trade was another reason to stay. Southern Arabia was an important stop for Caravans going to Yemen or across the Red Sea to the cultures of the Horn of Africa like Ethiopia and Somalia or Egypt.

MUHAMMAD & ISLAM SHOWS UP (632-1500s)
The UAE's convenient location near-ish Mecca meant they were visited by Muhammad and
absorbed into his first caliphate which included Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Oman, the UAE, Bahrain and Qatar among other places. The locals took to the new religion rapidly and those who didn't were rapidly killed. The non-muslims lost the war of conquest, as most did.

The UAE was important to the expansion of Islam in other ways. The UAE port of Julfar was used as a stop on the way to Iran which was still Zoro-Astrian and the Muslims weren't into that.

Islam stayed the dominant system of beliefs and culture for most of the next 1000 years until 
the Portuguese showed up.

THE PORTUGUESE & OTTOMANS (1500s-1790s)
Ok, so it's the 16th century and you're the head of Portugal. You're empire is already doing pretty well with holdings in Africa & Brazil but you're noticing that the Indian Ocean is the hot new ocean (quite literally as it's a very warm ocean, but it was also hot shit back then) and you want to get in on it.

The Portuguese had this conundrum and decided the Arabian Peninsula was the way to go. Portugal actually did have some ties with Islam as many of its people were Muslim and it was part of the Caliphate for a while along with Spain, Southern France, Sicily and Malta.

Vasco da Gama, who was Portugal's star explorer was at the head of Portugal's Indian Ocean expeditions, and while Portugal was more interested in Macau and Portuguese India, they did have large territories in the UAE.

In the early half of the 18th century the Ottoman Empire was gaining power. They had existed since the 1200s, but they were at their largest from 1680-1720. They controlled vast portions of Tunisia, Libya, Egypt and other areas in North Africa as well as large parts of the Middle East and Eastern Europe.

THE BRITISH MAKE DEALS (1790s-1930s)
If you remember from the Yemen post the Brits were in a full on race with Russia to colonize the Middle East and Britain was winning. To ensure they won, in 1892 they went to the weakened leader of the Al Qawasim dynasty. This dynasty had lost power  because of attack from the British. They then went to the Al Qawisim and basically said. You guys can still rule the Emirates, but we're gonna technically own them and we're gonna collect taxes and impose some new laws. 

The British did this a lot. It's called home-rule and while it's technically better than having some pasty British guy boss you around, it's still not preferred.

The region was known as a hotspot of pearl fishing, along with the southern coast of India and Sri Lanka. The British wanted that pearl money, but the depression in the 30s along with other factors, like people not wanting pearls as much as diamonds and other more expensive gemstones and the ability to raise oysters domestically led to this industry tanking. UAE didn't see the example Zambia set when they put all of there eggs in the copper basket and said "Oh no, we've put all of our resources, infrastructure and money into a fickle industry with a finite amount of resources". But, then oil was discovered so they said "Let's put all of our resources, infrastructure and money into this fickle industry with a finite amount of resources!" 

THE BRITISH LEAVE AND THE UAE IS BORN (1930s-PRESENT)
The country, with its newfound oil wealth had new capital to start a country and tell the British to fuck off. Oil exports began in 1962 and the country used its newfound wealth to build new roads, public works projects and a new drydock-port system in its major port towns of Abu Dhabi and Dubai. And calling these places towns was fairly apt. While Dubai and Abu Dhabi are now towns with more than a million people each back then they had only 150,000 & 90,000 people respectively, less than some suburbs. 

But the population spiked with the arrival of foreign nationals who saw the opportunity to get work as contractors, architects and designers of the UAE's many ridiculous and insane projects. 

The UAE in many ways is like the Middle East's Vegas. It was a small desert outpost that was taken over by some shady businessmen and was transformed by a newfound industry into a massive, tacky blob. But like Las Vegas, the UAE has many problems deep down. Only 10% of the residents of the UAE are citizens, the rest being foreign migrant workers, primarily from India and Pakistan (40%) and other migrant workers and western foreign nationals. This means only one in ten get any representation in the government, which itself is very backwards. 

The UAE is a complicated mesh of seven absolute monarchies, so democracy isn't really involved. Imagine if the US had only seven states and each was ruled by a wealthy family from that state. This is kind of how this works. 

The UAE has been criticized, like Bahrain and Qatar for its atrocious human-rights record. Many migrant workers die during the construction of these massive projects. Also it's illegal to be gay in the country, with one man on trial for a "gay handshake". This man reports not being gay, but handshaking another man in a way that "offended the government". 

Also many of the monarchs of the UAE are convicted rapists and torturers who get a pass because they are in the rich upper class.

FUN FACTS
The UAE contains the worlds largest skyscraper, shopping mall, theme park and many other world records.
The UAE contains the worlds fastest roller coaster.
There's a hotel in Dubai that's apparently so nice it's the only seven star hotel in the world.
The Dubai police drive Lamborghinis.
There are ATMs in Dubai that dispense gold.
Dubai has no sewer, just trucks that drive poop from houses to treatment centers.
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The Emirate of Abu Dhabi owns most of the Chrysler Building in Manhattan.

A History of Uruguay, Part 2

URUGUAY PUSHED AROUND (1811-1828) Uruguay's history of being pawned off from Spain to Portugal wasn't over yet. When Argentina gained their independence in 1811 as the United Provinces of Rio de la Plata. While the Uruguayans weren't thrilled to be under Argentine control it was better than Spanish control. Well, almost anything was better than being under Spanish rule. At least now they wouldn't get taxed excessively and have all of their exports stolen by a country that was thousands of miles away, now they would just be stolen by a country tens of miles away... Better, I guess.

Their brief period of independence was just that... brief when Portuguese Brazil attacked in 1816. Portugal saw all of this independence floating around South America and they weren't having any of that so they ordered their most powerful possession Brazil to annex Uruguay as a province of Brazil. This was hard with a Spanish speaking populace that had ties to Argentina and Spain, but they figured they could do it because Uruguay had history as a Portuguese colony, and it was successful by 1824.

Uruguayans were pissed. They had now been traded off three times to different governments and it was getting stressful to have to change the signs, money, national anthem and flag every two years just because some colonial power felt threatened so they decided "enough of this bullshit" and ordered for independence.

I've noticed most declarations of independence can be summed up with "Enough of this bullshit. I'm out".

BURGEONING POLITICAL FREEDOM (1828-1864)
The revolutionaries that called for Uruguay's freedom were called the Thirty-Three Orientals, called this because there were Thirty-Four of them... Good job! These Thirty-Three or Four Orientals were hugely popular as liberators and both formed new political parties: the Blancos and the Colorados.

The parties immediately aligned with their much more powerful neighbor to the south Argentina, but that proved rough when half of the country was exiled during the rule of dictator Juan Manuel de Rosas.

The Blancos aligned with Rosas, while the Colorados aligned with his opposition, most of which had been exiled, conveniently, to Uruguay.

After yet another invasion, this time by Argentina, Uruguay was a bit tired of being constantly invaded so they fought off the invasion and invested in less easily-invaded cities, I would think. 

URUGUAYAN CIVIL WAR & AFTERWARDS (1864-1933)
Uruguay saw what was going on the United States at this time, fighting a huge Civil War and thought "that's a great idea" and set off, not the first, but the second civil war in Uruguay's only 36 year history. Come on guys!

This one was extra-bad because other countries got involved in a proxy-war, that escalated into a full-on real one (Vietnam style). The Blancos were backed by Brazil, while the Colorados were backed by Argentina, so this was less of a Uruguayan civil war and more of an excuse for Brazil to fight Argentina.

This war was less important for Uruguay than it was for Paraguay, Argentina and Brazil as it fucked up the whole area for decades.

After the war the victorious Colorados ruled Uruguay for almost a century. It was a rough time for the country. The Colorados were ideologically split, the Blancos staged several attempted coups and revolts (because they didn't like losing 95 years in a row) and huge number of immigrants from Europe flooded the border. This was back when Europeans immigrated to Latin America, rather than the opposite. (You have to remember that a lot of Western Europe in the late 19th century was really shitty.) 

For the second time in Uruguayan history a problem was solved with cows (and sheep) as the government invested in livestock to reinvigorate the economy. The bank was established and the country was connected with telegraph and major ports and canals.

The industrial revolution didn't miss Latin America and Uruguay reaped many of the benefits of it. 

In 1903 these changes were furthered by president Jose Batlle y Ordonez who set up a system of welfare and introduced universal male suffrage, lowered taxes for the poor, set up schools, gave women the right to divorce, brought Telephone to Uruguay, introduced Unemployment benefits, set up an 8 hour day and 5 day work week and abolished religion in government. This guy was like Uruguayan Bernie Sanders, or maybe FDR, but in 1903!!! 

COUP & DICTATORSHIP (1933-1985)

Of course all of these good things couldn't last. Most world leaders are more Mussolini that Ordonez and in 1933 Mussolini fanboy Gabriel Terra took hold during one of the world economy's worst times: the Great Depression. The Great Depression affected all countries that were connected to the stock market, one of which was Uruguay.

Uruguay was in full insane-spiral. A new constitution was drafted which was so revolting to former president Baltasar Brum that he ran into the central square of Montevideo and shot himself in protest.

In WWII Gabriel Terra broke ties to Germany (because even Hitler was too dictator-y for some dictators). It was neutral in WWII, but supplied food (primarily those cows) to the allies. Uruguay did pretty well economically during the 40s & 50s, even though it was run by Gabriel Terra, a guy who looks like an Indiana Jones villain's slightly more buffoonish brother and his cronies.

In the 60s a group tired of government rule began robbing banks and giving money to the poor like Uruguayan Robin Hood, but unlike real Robin Hood they were immediately quelled by CIA affiliate US OPS who trained the Uruguayan police to use crocodile clamps and car batteries to torture people. Yay America!? 

Full Dictator-mode was put into effect once again in 1973 when civil liberties were slowly stripped away and the government was replaced with a Military administration. There were elections in the late 70s and 80s, but the only voters were a shadowy military council, so is it really democracy... The answer is no.

The military administration made heavy use of the Stalinist tactic of dissapearance. This is when you kill someone, and then take incredible, almost insane care to wipe every instance of their existence off of any records: census, destroying anything they've written, destroying records of conversations and even photoshopping them out of photos like Stalin did.

Turning this photo of Stalin with some guys to his left and a young-looking soldier on the right into a photo of Stalin with some guys to his left.


This tactic makes it hard to tell how many were killed by the military regime, because they weren't just killed, they were made to look as if they never existed.

RETURN TO STABILITY (1985-PRESENT)

After the military administration was deposed Uruguay returned to a pattern of democratic voting. In 1989 Luis Alberto Lacalle instituted some new economic reforms. In the 90s primary elections were instituted to make their democracy more closely resemble our broken democracy. Which is an odd choice, but okaaaaaay...

The Colorados which had existed from Uruguays beginning to the present still are in government. You might also know president Jose Mujica who became kind of famous on the internet for being both president of Uruguay and a cute old man. He was called "the poorest president" only recieving a salary of $14,000 a year, after he donated 90% of it to charity. He also drove a rusty Volkswagen Beetle instead of the presidential car. This guy seems pretty legit.