A History of the Ukraine, Part 1

PROFILE

Region: Eastern Europe

Climate: Temperate, Continental, Seasonal

Leader(s): Volodymyr Groysman, since 2016 (at time of writing)

Population: 42,539,010

Capital: Kiev, also spelled Kyiv

Largest City: Kiev
Currency: Ukrainian Hryvnia
Languages: Ukranian

Independence: 1991, from the USSR
Territories or Colonies: None

EARLY HISTORY & THE NOMADS (????-900s)
Ukraine was first populated with Neanderthals thousands of years ago, but they all died out because Humans are much better at planning & thinking than the Neanderthals were. In the late BCE times around the turn of the millennium the area was populated mostly by Dacians, Cimmerians, Scythians and Sarmatians. These groups had ties to Rome and were probably considered by Rome subgroups of Eastern Barbarians.

Rome wasn't a huge fan of Barbarians considering they tried to sack Rome many, many times. The Romans were cautious of the Iron Age Ukrainians. They expanded their territory with camps in Greece and didn't attack Rome very much. These Iron Age Ukrainians were similar to the Caucasian (and I mean from the Caucasus, not White) nomadic groups that occupied what is now Russia, Georgia, Armenia, Azerbaijan and Iran.

Many different groups made Ukraine its home. After the Eastern Nomadic groups came the Bulgars, where Bulgaria gets its name from. Their capital city of Phanagoria lies right on the straight between Crimea and Russia, which now is kind of a part of Russia. This whole debacle is really confusing and I'll try to explain it later.

A History of The United Arab Emirates

PROFILE

Region: The Middle East

Climate: Hot, Dry, Desert-y

Leader(s): Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, since 2006 (at time of writing)

Population: 5.779.760

Capital: Abu Dhabi

Largest City: Dubai
Currency: UAE Dirham
Languages: Arabic

Independence: 1761, from the United Kingdom
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS
The United Arab Emirates is a country in the Middle East, in the southern portion of the Arabian Peninsula. Like the U.S. the UAE is more of an alliance than a country, but instead of states UAE is comprised of Emirates which are like mini-kingdoms. It's in a hot-arid desert climate and is very rich with oil, having the 7th largest oil reserves in the world. Recently it has moved from oil to tourism and investment, being known as a playground for the rich. The UAE is home to islands in the shape of the world map, large palm-shaped artificial islands, the worlds largest mall, the worlds tallest building, the future worlds largest amusement park and an indoor ski resort. 

However, this has led to a huge wealth-gap. While rich Emirati and rich foreign nationals live well, many poor Emirati and migrant workers from India, Pakistan and Southeast Asia face human-rights violations and terrible, near-slavery working conditions. 

The history might be kind of complicated considering UAE has seven independence dates in 1761, 1775, 1819, 1820, 1899, 1900 & 1952. 

BEFORE ISLAM (????-632) The Arabian region in general is known as a crossroads between Africa, Asia and Africa (the Old World) as Uzbekistan was in the last post. Scientists believe that the region was one of the first human populated places outside of Africa. The whole Arabian peninsula was populated with pre-Islam nomadic cultures that believed in folk religions.

One of these groups was the Umm an-Nar, who existed alongside the Egyptians in the 2000s BCE. The Umm an-Nar traded with North Africa and the rest of the Arabian Peninsula and like the Egyptians had a culture that was very burial-focuses. While they didn't quite construct 400 foot tall tombs, they had fairly ornate traditions building cylindrical fortresses out of stone. The era was a golden age for UAE cultures. Art and trade were very prevalent. Another interesting bonus fact is that Umm an-Nar means "Mother of Fire" which on the scale of cool names is pretty high alongside Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, the Gauls and Vestal Coffin a civil war figure.

The Umm an-Nar were followed by several groups like the Wadi Suq, who in comparison to the Umm an-Nar kinda Suqqed Ass. They didn't have nearly as many trade connections or as much art or ornate tomb construction as their predecessors.

Now you may wonder why anyone at all lived in this inhospitable desert before the invention of AC, advanced irrigation techniques or oil extraction. Back in these days these cultures knew how to work the land using their early irrigation techniques of building long canals that brought water deep into the desert. These canals could be as narrow as a foot, but they used gravity to carry water farther than many irrigation systems at the time.

Trade was another reason to stay. Southern Arabia was an important stop for Caravans going to Yemen or across the Red Sea to the cultures of the Horn of Africa like Ethiopia and Somalia or Egypt.

MUHAMMAD & ISLAM SHOWS UP (632-1500s)
The UAE's convenient location near-ish Mecca meant they were visited by Muhammad and
absorbed into his first caliphate which included Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Oman, the UAE, Bahrain and Qatar among other places. The locals took to the new religion rapidly and those who didn't were rapidly killed. The non-muslims lost the war of conquest, as most did.

The UAE was important to the expansion of Islam in other ways. The UAE port of Julfar was used as a stop on the way to Iran which was still Zoro-Astrian and the Muslims weren't into that.

Islam stayed the dominant system of beliefs and culture for most of the next 1000 years until 
the Portuguese showed up.

THE PORTUGUESE & OTTOMANS (1500s-1790s)
Ok, so it's the 16th century and you're the head of Portugal. You're empire is already doing pretty well with holdings in Africa & Brazil but you're noticing that the Indian Ocean is the hot new ocean (quite literally as it's a very warm ocean, but it was also hot shit back then) and you want to get in on it.

The Portuguese had this conundrum and decided the Arabian Peninsula was the way to go. Portugal actually did have some ties with Islam as many of its people were Muslim and it was part of the Caliphate for a while along with Spain, Southern France, Sicily and Malta.

Vasco da Gama, who was Portugal's star explorer was at the head of Portugal's Indian Ocean expeditions, and while Portugal was more interested in Macau and Portuguese India, they did have large territories in the UAE.

In the early half of the 18th century the Ottoman Empire was gaining power. They had existed since the 1200s, but they were at their largest from 1680-1720. They controlled vast portions of Tunisia, Libya, Egypt and other areas in North Africa as well as large parts of the Middle East and Eastern Europe.

THE BRITISH MAKE DEALS (1790s-1930s)
If you remember from the Yemen post the Brits were in a full on race with Russia to colonize the Middle East and Britain was winning. To ensure they won, in 1892 they went to the weakened leader of the Al Qawasim dynasty. This dynasty had lost power  because of attack from the British. They then went to the Al Qawisim and basically said. You guys can still rule the Emirates, but we're gonna technically own them and we're gonna collect taxes and impose some new laws. 

The British did this a lot. It's called home-rule and while it's technically better than having some pasty British guy boss you around, it's still not preferred.

The region was known as a hotspot of pearl fishing, along with the southern coast of India and Sri Lanka. The British wanted that pearl money, but the depression in the 30s along with other factors, like people not wanting pearls as much as diamonds and other more expensive gemstones and the ability to raise oysters domestically led to this industry tanking. UAE didn't see the example Zambia set when they put all of there eggs in the copper basket and said "Oh no, we've put all of our resources, infrastructure and money into a fickle industry with a finite amount of resources". But, then oil was discovered so they said "Let's put all of our resources, infrastructure and money into this fickle industry with a finite amount of resources!" 

THE BRITISH LEAVE AND THE UAE IS BORN (1930s-PRESENT)
The country, with its newfound oil wealth had new capital to start a country and tell the British to fuck off. Oil exports began in 1962 and the country used its newfound wealth to build new roads, public works projects and a new drydock-port system in its major port towns of Abu Dhabi and Dubai. And calling these places towns was fairly apt. While Dubai and Abu Dhabi are now towns with more than a million people each back then they had only 150,000 & 90,000 people respectively, less than some suburbs. 

But the population spiked with the arrival of foreign nationals who saw the opportunity to get work as contractors, architects and designers of the UAE's many ridiculous and insane projects. 

The UAE in many ways is like the Middle East's Vegas. It was a small desert outpost that was taken over by some shady businessmen and was transformed by a newfound industry into a massive, tacky blob. But like Las Vegas, the UAE has many problems deep down. Only 10% of the residents of the UAE are citizens, the rest being foreign migrant workers, primarily from India and Pakistan (40%) and other migrant workers and western foreign nationals. This means only one in ten get any representation in the government, which itself is very backwards. 

The UAE is a complicated mesh of seven absolute monarchies, so democracy isn't really involved. Imagine if the US had only seven states and each was ruled by a wealthy family from that state. This is kind of how this works. 

The UAE has been criticized, like Bahrain and Qatar for its atrocious human-rights record. Many migrant workers die during the construction of these massive projects. Also it's illegal to be gay in the country, with one man on trial for a "gay handshake". This man reports not being gay, but handshaking another man in a way that "offended the government". 

Also many of the monarchs of the UAE are convicted rapists and torturers who get a pass because they are in the rich upper class.

FUN FACTS
The UAE contains the worlds largest skyscraper, shopping mall, theme park and many other world records.
The UAE contains the worlds fastest roller coaster.
There's a hotel in Dubai that's apparently so nice it's the only seven star hotel in the world.
The Dubai police drive Lamborghinis.
There are ATMs in Dubai that dispense gold.
Dubai has no sewer, just trucks that drive poop from houses to treatment centers.
You have to have a liquor license just to drink by yourself.
The Emirate of Abu Dhabi owns most of the Chrysler Building in Manhattan.

A History of Uruguay, Part 2

URUGUAY PUSHED AROUND (1811-1828) Uruguay's history of being pawned off from Spain to Portugal wasn't over yet. When Argentina gained their independence in 1811 as the United Provinces of Rio de la Plata. While the Uruguayans weren't thrilled to be under Argentine control it was better than Spanish control. Well, almost anything was better than being under Spanish rule. At least now they wouldn't get taxed excessively and have all of their exports stolen by a country that was thousands of miles away, now they would just be stolen by a country tens of miles away... Better, I guess.

Their brief period of independence was just that... brief when Portuguese Brazil attacked in 1816. Portugal saw all of this independence floating around South America and they weren't having any of that so they ordered their most powerful possession Brazil to annex Uruguay as a province of Brazil. This was hard with a Spanish speaking populace that had ties to Argentina and Spain, but they figured they could do it because Uruguay had history as a Portuguese colony, and it was successful by 1824.

Uruguayans were pissed. They had now been traded off three times to different governments and it was getting stressful to have to change the signs, money, national anthem and flag every two years just because some colonial power felt threatened so they decided "enough of this bullshit" and ordered for independence.

I've noticed most declarations of independence can be summed up with "Enough of this bullshit. I'm out".

BURGEONING POLITICAL FREEDOM (1828-1864)
The revolutionaries that called for Uruguay's freedom were called the Thirty-Three Orientals, called this because there were Thirty-Four of them... Good job! These Thirty-Three or Four Orientals were hugely popular as liberators and both formed new political parties: the Blancos and the Colorados.

The parties immediately aligned with their much more powerful neighbor to the south Argentina, but that proved rough when half of the country was exiled during the rule of dictator Juan Manuel de Rosas.

The Blancos aligned with Rosas, while the Colorados aligned with his opposition, most of which had been exiled, conveniently, to Uruguay.

After yet another invasion, this time by Argentina, Uruguay was a bit tired of being constantly invaded so they fought off the invasion and invested in less easily-invaded cities, I would think. 

URUGUAYAN CIVIL WAR & AFTERWARDS (1864-1933)
Uruguay saw what was going on the United States at this time, fighting a huge Civil War and thought "that's a great idea" and set off, not the first, but the second civil war in Uruguay's only 36 year history. Come on guys!

This one was extra-bad because other countries got involved in a proxy-war, that escalated into a full-on real one (Vietnam style). The Blancos were backed by Brazil, while the Colorados were backed by Argentina, so this was less of a Uruguayan civil war and more of an excuse for Brazil to fight Argentina.

This war was less important for Uruguay than it was for Paraguay, Argentina and Brazil as it fucked up the whole area for decades.

After the war the victorious Colorados ruled Uruguay for almost a century. It was a rough time for the country. The Colorados were ideologically split, the Blancos staged several attempted coups and revolts (because they didn't like losing 95 years in a row) and huge number of immigrants from Europe flooded the border. This was back when Europeans immigrated to Latin America, rather than the opposite. (You have to remember that a lot of Western Europe in the late 19th century was really shitty.) 

For the second time in Uruguayan history a problem was solved with cows (and sheep) as the government invested in livestock to reinvigorate the economy. The bank was established and the country was connected with telegraph and major ports and canals.

The industrial revolution didn't miss Latin America and Uruguay reaped many of the benefits of it. 

In 1903 these changes were furthered by president Jose Batlle y Ordonez who set up a system of welfare and introduced universal male suffrage, lowered taxes for the poor, set up schools, gave women the right to divorce, brought Telephone to Uruguay, introduced Unemployment benefits, set up an 8 hour day and 5 day work week and abolished religion in government. This guy was like Uruguayan Bernie Sanders, or maybe FDR, but in 1903!!! 

COUP & DICTATORSHIP (1933-1985)

Of course all of these good things couldn't last. Most world leaders are more Mussolini that Ordonez and in 1933 Mussolini fanboy Gabriel Terra took hold during one of the world economy's worst times: the Great Depression. The Great Depression affected all countries that were connected to the stock market, one of which was Uruguay.

Uruguay was in full insane-spiral. A new constitution was drafted which was so revolting to former president Baltasar Brum that he ran into the central square of Montevideo and shot himself in protest.

In WWII Gabriel Terra broke ties to Germany (because even Hitler was too dictator-y for some dictators). It was neutral in WWII, but supplied food (primarily those cows) to the allies. Uruguay did pretty well economically during the 40s & 50s, even though it was run by Gabriel Terra, a guy who looks like an Indiana Jones villain's slightly more buffoonish brother and his cronies.

In the 60s a group tired of government rule began robbing banks and giving money to the poor like Uruguayan Robin Hood, but unlike real Robin Hood they were immediately quelled by CIA affiliate US OPS who trained the Uruguayan police to use crocodile clamps and car batteries to torture people. Yay America!? 

Full Dictator-mode was put into effect once again in 1973 when civil liberties were slowly stripped away and the government was replaced with a Military administration. There were elections in the late 70s and 80s, but the only voters were a shadowy military council, so is it really democracy... The answer is no.

The military administration made heavy use of the Stalinist tactic of dissapearance. This is when you kill someone, and then take incredible, almost insane care to wipe every instance of their existence off of any records: census, destroying anything they've written, destroying records of conversations and even photoshopping them out of photos like Stalin did.

Turning this photo of Stalin with some guys to his left and a young-looking soldier on the right into a photo of Stalin with some guys to his left.


This tactic makes it hard to tell how many were killed by the military regime, because they weren't just killed, they were made to look as if they never existed.

RETURN TO STABILITY (1985-PRESENT)

After the military administration was deposed Uruguay returned to a pattern of democratic voting. In 1989 Luis Alberto Lacalle instituted some new economic reforms. In the 90s primary elections were instituted to make their democracy more closely resemble our broken democracy. Which is an odd choice, but okaaaaaay...

The Colorados which had existed from Uruguays beginning to the present still are in government. You might also know president Jose Mujica who became kind of famous on the internet for being both president of Uruguay and a cute old man. He was called "the poorest president" only recieving a salary of $14,000 a year, after he donated 90% of it to charity. He also drove a rusty Volkswagen Beetle instead of the presidential car. This guy seems pretty legit.

A History of Uruguay

PROFILE

Region: Southern South America

Climate: Seasonal, Humid, Subtropical

Leader(s): Tabare Vazquez, since 2015 (at time of writing)

Population: 3.324.460

Capital: Montevideo

Largest City: Montevideo
Currency: Uruguayan Peso
Languages: Spanish

Independence: 1825, from Brazil
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS

Uruguay, officially the Oriental (Eastern) Republic of Uruguay, (the Western Republic of Uruguay technically being the Entre Rios province of Argentina, as it is on the west bank of the Uruguay River, while Uruguay is on the east.) Uruguay is a relatively small country in South America that is often confused with the other -guay nation, Paraguay.

Uruguay has a high Human Development Index and is advanced when it comes to things like political freedom and clean water. Montevideo, the capital, is rated as the best city in South America to live in based on census and WHO data.

BEFORE AND DURING COLONIZATION (????-1600s)
Uruguay shares a lot of its pre-European history with Brazil, and in fact a lot of its post-European history as well. Uruguay was a province of Brazil for a while and much of its culture as well as customs and cuisine are similar. You may think that because Uruguay was a province of Brazil it speaks Portuguese, but Uruguay speaks its own dialect of Spanish: Uruguayan Spanish, which like Argentine Spanish has some differences from say Mexican Spanish, or Spanish Spanish. It has a large Italian influence, like neighboring Argentina’s Spanish.

The indigenous peoples of the area, were very similar to the indigenous people groups in Southern Brazil. Uruguay was hit especially hard by the arrival of Europeans. Most Central American, South American and Caribbean countries’ populations are made up of people who mostly descend from European settlers and native peoples. These people are called Mestizo, Mestiso, Creole or Kreyol. Uruguay followed a path more similar to that of the United States. The Europeans didn’t really mingle with the native people in Uruguay as they did in other places. The European settlers instead nearly wiped out the native population with disease and constant attack.

Sadly today, there are very few if any native indigenous Uruguayans.

Colonization first began 14 Years after Columbus landed on the continent. The Portuguese wanted a piece of the colonization cake and (as you probably guessed) they got it. Portugal had a fairly expansive colonial empire, if you take into account the fact that it was all based in a country roughly the size of Maine, with only about a million people. Portugal grabbed hold of Eastern South America, while Spain dominated Northern and Western South America.

Uruguay was a sort of keystone, where both empires met and of course this was a problem. Portugal controlled much of Brazil, along the coasts and riverbanks. The inner Amazon had not been explored yet. Spain grabbed almost the entirety of the west, as far south as the glaciers of Chile, and France held pockets in between. Uruguay was on the Atlantic end of a long colonial border between the two giants. Even though Uruguay and Spain had been allies in the fight to colonize all of Latin America, the two were still fiercely competitive.

Uruguay and Paraguay may sound similar but their geographic placement makes them quite different. While Uruguay was very heavily colonized with tons of missions and churches built. Montevideo like most South American cities has an old colonial center. However, Paraguay is in the category of countries that are inland and weren't colonized until later. This is why countries like Bolivia (which was one of the most inaccessible areas) weren't as heavily colonized.

The Portuguese began by building a capital city Colonia do Sacramento. The capital later moved to Montevideo in the early 18th century when Spain got involved. Colonia do Sacramento was designed as a gateway for Portugal to the Southern portion of the continent, but they were never able to colonize farther south because of Spanish influence.

RUSH FOR URUGUAY (1600s-1811)

The Spanish saw the threat of the Portuguese incursion and rushed to build their own settlement and capital city in 1726, calling it Montevideo. It was settled by Bruno Mauricio de Zabala who was a.) named Zabala and was b.) a pirate hunter, so he had a lot going on.

In 1750 the treaty of Madrid was signed by Ferdinand the Sixth and John the Fifth of Spain and Portugal respectively. John wasn't super into Ferdinand on account of his wife being Austrian and Ferdinand inciting a useless war against them based on false information.

Meanwhile the Uruguayan native and mestizo people are being fucked because this constant squabbling between two colonial powers was the cause of trade problems and skirmishes.

It took twenty years for the Spanish to fully gain control of the land by just flooding it with Spanish cows and cowboys and saying "Those are Spanish cows, not Portuguese cows, so get the fuck out". This was back when socio-political conflicts could be solved with cows.

Spain held on to their colonial possession pretty evenly until 1806, when Britain decided it wanted in. Britain hadn't been very present in Latin America except for in Guyana, Honduras & Belize and most people don't think of the British when they're talking about Latin America.

Britain however was present in the region, even conquering the Falkland Islands later. At this time however Spain had taken over the Falklands and this made Britain mad, so it attempted a takeover. This however, as you may have guessed, was a failure, as they don't speak English in Uruguay.