A History of Uganda

PROFILE
Region: Sub-Saharan Africa
Climate: Tropical, Wet and Rainy
Leader(s): Yoweri Museveni, since 1986 (at time of writing)
Population: 37,873,253
Capital: Kampala
Largest City: Kampala
Currency: Ugandan Shilling
Languages: Swahili, English, Ateso, Kakwa, Kinyarwanda, Kumam, Luganda, Lugbara, Lugwere, Lunyoli, Luo, Lusamia, Lusoga, Rukonjo, Runyankole, Runyoro, Sebei
Independence: 1962, from the United Kingdom
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS
Uganda is relatively small, but densely populated nation in Sub-Saharan Africa bordered by Tanzania, Rwanda, the DRC, South Sudan and Kenya. It's in the African Great Lakes region, a region of lakes formed by the Great Rift Valley, including Lake Kyoga, Lake Albert, Lake Victoria, Lake Edouard, Lac Kivu, Lake Tanganyika and Lake Malawi among others. It is run by Yoweri Museveni, who many consider a dictator, who himself overthrew the previous dictator Idi Amin, known for being suspected of cannibalism. 

EARLY HISTORY (????-1894)
Uganda stayed relatively isolated from Europe and Asia. Uganda at this time was never really a superpower in the region, but it was always connected to those in power. The kingdoms of Buganda and Bunyoro made ties with the Sudanese in the north, who made money selling slaves in the Arab Slave trade. They also had ties with the Zanzibarians who occupied the islands of Zanzibar and didn't trade slaves as much which makes them better than the Sudanese in my book.

The Arab slave trade and the African Slave trade went the way of the dinosaur well before Europe arrived in the region which means that North Africa had to find a new industry and oil wasn't useful yet, so they went with spice trading and trade in general. The Buganda as well as other smaller kingdoms didn't have as much of a problem though, because they never traded in slaves, they just allied with countries that did, so this didn't effect the economy very much which was primarily farming. 

I've talked about this in the Zimbabwe and Zambia posts, but there is an idea of pre-colonial Sub-Saharan Africa as this vast jungle full of uncontacted tribes like are still today found in the Amazon and the Indian Ocean, but while there were some uncontacted tribes like the Pygmies, most people lived under the jurisdiction of some sort of Kingdom. These kingdoms would most likely be divided into regional councils, like town councils that would make laws for the region. 

Pre-Colonial Africa had a system of civics as complex as Europe at the time. Let's say the average European in the middle ages is named Berchtold. He lives in the German countryside. He technically lives in the Holy Roman Emprie, but he probably doesn't care as the laws that effect him are the laws of a local Vassal (basically a medieval sheriff) or if he's indentured, the laws of the landowner he works for would matter. 

Similarly many Early Ugandans were subsistence farmers who lived under the jurisdiction of a Kingdom they likely had no contact with, but their village or region had a council that was more important.

The Buganda Kingdom was a legit Kingdom too. It had a feared army and a fancy capital in Kampala (Uganda's present day Capital city, on the shores of Lake Victoria).

The African Great Lakes Region before the arrival of the British was described as "A World in Miniature". It had a vast network of roads, trade routes and warring kingdoms and warlords. The Arab influenced north was vastly different from the Buganda in the center of it all and the Zanzibarians off the coast or the Pygmies hidden in the jungle. It was like African Game of Thrones. 

First contact with the world beyond the Arab World (meaning Europe and the U.S. of A.) happened, not when the British arrived in the 1890s, but earlier when the Ivory Trade became profitable. Uganda was in the heart of Ivory Territory and hunted Ivory for profit, (almost until Elephants became extinct). Uganda at this time was ballin. They had all of this Ivory money. They were trading with Europe, they had recently converted partially to this religion they'd just learned about called Islam. Things were pretty good for the Buganda.

Bugandans were even wearing clothing from America called "mericani" (like a-mericani), drinking British Tea and coffee and buying guns from Europe. This is why when Colonists and Missionaries arrived in the land they described it as very western and modernized. 

All of this good stuff sadly had to come to an end when all of this trading with the outside world led to three different outbreaks of diseases the Bugandans weren't immune to like smallpox and sleeping sickness. Dammit!

BRITISH COLONIZATION (1894-1962)
All of this set the stage for the British to show up and take all of their shit, as the story goes once again, but this time it was slightly different. The British never fully colonized the region. They arrived relatively late and the region was already pretty westernized. They set up a "Protectorate" which is kind of like a Colony, except the government stays the same (non-British) and the British just keeps some profits, changes the flag, imposes British culture and protects the land with their army. Very few British people came and lived in the land like they did in the USA, Canada, Australia, South Africa or New Zealand.

The country was split between converts to Islam and Christianity. But these new Christians were already divided. Some of the missionaries converted them into Catholics, while others were Protestant, and so violence erupted Ireland style, but this time in Africa, because one group that decided they liked Jesus now felt their love for Jesus was incompatible with the other group that recently decided they liked Jesus, but in a different way. (I'm still not 100% sure of the key fundamental differences between Protestants and Catholics. I get there are differences in the way the church is set up and what you do, like sacraments and priests and what not. I know that protestants were protesting something, but those problems had more to do with 1300s Europe than they do with anything now. I dunno, probably something more important that I don't understand).

During colonization Britain sided with the most powerful group in the region the Buganda Kingdom, which alienated the Bunyoro, the second largest land-holders in the Protectorate. The Buganda became hated by other Kingdoms for basically selling out to Britain and the West. 

For a lot of normal everyday people though not much changed. They still lived in a village and farmed, but instead of having a flag that had a white stripe with a lion and shield in it surrounded by blue stripes, their flag was a blue field with a union jack on the upper left with a crested crane on it. In other words not much but the flag, language and money changed.

Even the language element is debateable. While many Ugandans today speak English, traditional languages are preferred.

The region seemed to dodge both World Wars unlike many other of its neighboring countries. This region was the frontlines for many of the battles in Africa, as Germany's crown jewel in Africa (German East Africa, now called Tanzania) was nudged right up against Britain's holdings in Uganda, Zambia and Kenya, as well as Belgium's Congo Free State. Belgium wasn't super thrilled with Germany on account of Germany invading them, so the Free State warred with German East Africa, as well as Portuguese Mozambique, which didn't do much fighting as Portugal was essentially neutral, but they sided with Britain.

INDEPENDENCE (1962-PRESENT)
In 1962 Uganda gained independence as the U.K. was trying to jettison some of its colonial holdings as they were starting to look bad. 

Milton Obote became the first president and declared the country should be a Republic, which lasted approximately nine years before insane person Idi Amin decided he wanted a stab at controlling the country.

He wasn't a good choice for Uganda for the following reasons:

• He probably had brain syphilis or bipolar disorder.
• He bestowed upon himself this ridiculously garish title "His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular" and no, I did not sneak that MC in the middle. Idi Amin was not secretly a rapper, that stood for Military Cross.
• He claimed to be the King of Scotland despite not being born in Scotland, none of his family being from Scotland and having very little contact with Scotland in general, also the fact that Scotland hasn't had a king for 400 years as well
• He was rumored to be a cannibal and even if he wasn't, somebody has to be pretty fucked up to be rumored to be a cannibal.

But seriously he was a horrible dictator that rose to popularity as an affable, likable man of the people who seemed to lose his mind over time. He alienated Uganda's Asian, Jewish and intellectual community, as he deemed these groups threatening to his regime. 

He burned books, killed those with glasses and destroyed chess boards and other things associated with intellectualism.

Thankfully Amin's rule was ended in 1979, but recently the country has been hit with a string of dictators, like Museveni, but not much is better.

A History of Tuvalu

PROFILE
Region: Oceania
Climate: Warm, Tropical 
Leader(s): Enele Sopoaga, since 2013 (at time of writing)
Population: 10,640
Capital: Fongafele
Largest City: Fongafele
Currency: Tuvaluan Dollar, Australian Dollar
Languages: Tuvaluan, English
Independence: 1978, from the U.K.
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS
Tuvalu is a tiny island nation in the South Pacific midway between Hawaii and Australia. It is one of the smallest nations geographically and population wise, as the fourth smallest by area and the second least populous. It has fewer people than San Francisco's Chinatown district a neighborhood four by eight blocks large.

The country itself is comprised of nine island groups in an archipelago. Tuvalu is one of the countries most affected by climate change because of how low lying and small it is. 

Another idea of how small it is: there is only one High-School that every one in the nation goes to and only two supermarkets. 

PRE-CONTACT (????-1568)
Not very much is known about the islands before arrival by Europeans who wrote stuff down. The culture of Oceania didn't have written languages and therefore history was passed down orally. The Tuvaluan people were believed to have come from Samoa on outrigger canoes. This website has information on how the polynesian people groups navigated the vast Pacific ocean and has details about expeditions a recreated outrigger canoe made around the world recently.

The Samoans quickly populated eight of the islands, giving Tuvalu it's name: Eight Standing Together in early Austronesian dialects.

SPANISH CONTACT (1568-1861)
The Spanish were messing around in that area during the late 1500s. They had successfully found their way to India (with no help from Columbus, that dumbass) and they had just started to expand their voyages into the South Pacific, discovering Australia (which they, at the time, believed was a part of Antarctica) and discovering this massive ocean they hadn't had much contact with.

This guy Alvaro de Mendana y Neyra was a Spanish explorer who was dicking around in this area when he happened across Nui, a small atoll that today contains little more than a few speckles of houses and a bunch of palm trees. He thought the island was so great he called in Jesus. 

Some Nui islanders were concerned that this massive wooden ship that was bigger than any boat they'd ever seen before, populated with a bunch of white guys in tights and sailed out to try and figure out what was going on in the boat. Alvaro didn't make contact with the islanders instead writing in his journal that the islanders were "naked" and "brown" and that their was a large dock on the island.

Mendana showed up a couple more times, but never made contact.

Europe left it alone, similar to Vanuatu, because they didn't think these places had any resources that they needed and they were so hard to get to that even if they did have resources, it probably wouldn't be worth it to spend gajillions of dollars shipping them 6000 miles through choppy sea.

In 1819, the next big step forward for Tuvalu came when this british guy Arent de Peyster almost crashed into Funafuti. He renamed the islands Ellice's Group, because Britain wasn't so hot on Spain at the time and the way he could get back at Spain and get some props from the British government would be to give this far-off, pretty isolated and not totally important to the geo-political climate of Europe, group of islands a British name. This name stuck until 1976, when Tuvalu gained independence and chose a native name.

The islands were again left alone. They were visited by some more British guys, then some American guys, one of whom was named Obed Starbuck of Nantucket, MA. He wasn't super important, I just wanted to write the name Obed Starbuck, because it's really cool.

EUROPE STARTS TO SHOW UP AND LIVE ON THE ISLANDS (1861-1940s)
In the 1860s, Europe showed up and this means two things. Illegal Slavery and Jesus! The Illegal Slavery thing wasn't too successful as the Tuvaluans ended up just killing the slavers (a.k.a. Blackbirders), but 400 Tuvaluans were captured and sold to plantations in Fiji, Samoa and even Hawai'i (slavery had been Abolished in the U.S., but at this time Hawai'i was a sovereign kingdom run by Kamehameha V, who was fine with it). 

The missionaries actually arrived by accident. They were doing missionary stuff in the Cook Islands, and their boat accidentally drifted off course. I don't know how you slip 1,600 miles off course, but hey I'm not a sailor. 

Missionaries and traders began arriving at the islands in the 1880s and 1890s. The islanders weren't super thrilled to have all of these Europeans taking their coconuts and trying to convert them to Christianity, but it eventually worked out for the missionaries. Now most people in the country are Christian. 

The white population on the islands was never super high though (at one point Funafuti only had two white residents, a soldier of fortune named Al and a trader named George Westbrook) which sounds like the setup for a sitcom, but it isn't. 

The islands were handed to the british in 1877, all the while the native Tuvaluans were pissed. They were having their natural resources taken from them and they didn't even get to keep any of the cool colonial architecture associated with being a colonized island nation.

WW2 & INDEPENDENCE (1940s-PRESENT)
The Tuvaluans were double pissed when war-crazy Japan showed up and started claiming all of these Pacific Islands. The British lost control briefly, during a Japanese occupation. America showed up to kick out the Japanese and blow stuff up, and the Tuvaluan people are happy that the crazy Japanese are out of their hair, but the U.S. just start building military bases and airfields on the islands. "Come on!!!" -Tuvaluans during WW2

Now, it's post-war, and you're Great Britain. You're thinking to yourself "I have all of these territorial possessions left over from the colonial era and this newfangled UN isn't super into colonizers like myself", so in 1974 the Brits say to the Tuvaluans "hey, you guys need to set up your own government, we're giving you up." This wasn't one of those U.S.A. or South America style independences that involve big wars, garish songs and national heroes that are later idolized for saying and doing things they probably didn't say or do. This was the quiet, diplomatic kind that involved lots of paperwork and guys at desks looking at charts with numbers on them. The boring kind, but the kind with less maiming and killing, so I guess the better kind.

After independence most things were good. Tuvalu's standard of living is pretty high for the region and how much political turmoil can possible come from a country smaller than Disneyland with the population of a poorly attended Joan Jett concert. 

The biggest problem now for Tuvaluans is climate change. Rising sea levels are threatening the land itself and many Tuvaluans might soon have to move to other countries like Fiji, Solomon Islands and Australia or the U.S.

FUN FACTS
Tuvalu is smaller than San Francisco's Chinatown.
You could fit the entire population of Tuvalu into AT&T Park in San Francisco and it would only be a quarter full. 

A History of Ukraine, Part 2

KIEVAN RUS (800s-1300s)
Sadly there's no writing documenting the founding of Kiev, but most believe it began to be built up in the late 800s as part of the Khazar state, an empire that spanned from Uzbekistan, through the caucasus region to Eastern Europe, basically encircling the Caspian Sea and the Black Sea. In 882 it was conquered by the Varangians, who were basically Vikings, but not Norse. They came from the Baltic Region and regions east of there. Kiev (and Ukraine as well) was important because it was a good area for trade. You may hear me saying this a lot (in past posts) but if the country is in Eurasia, there's a good chance it was involved in either Silk Road trade or Indian Ocean trade. Eurasia (often called the Old World, with North Africa) was heavily networked with trade routes from the often isolated Japan to Portugal, and from the Mongolians of the north to the various groups of India. 

Many consider the Kievan Rus the city state that began the Russian Empire, and while Kiev was the crossroads of Eastern Europe it wasn't as much of a city state as say Singapore is now. It didn't have a unique cultural identity and was more of a band of ethnically similar tribes that formed an urban conglomeration. 

Rus in this context means a kingdom or city state under the Russian umbrella. You may know of Belarus, but there was also Chorna Rus, Cherven Rus and the Lithuanian Rus. 

These Rus's weren't in anyway unified though. They were constantly at war or bickering, as neighboring political entities tend to do. 

However, for the people of Kiev, times weren't as bad as they could have been if they lived in the feudal hellscape of Central Europe. Sure, they weren't as nice as they were in the Arab world at the time, but there's always something worse, I guess.

This relative stability wouldn't last though because in 1240 the Mongols sacked Kiev. DAMMIT! The Mongols ruin everything: Kiev, The Order of the Assassins and countless cool empires. On the bright side he might have reduced carbon emissions by killing so many people forests overtook formerly populated places, so... I guess that's good. 

POLISH AND RUSSIAN RULE (1300s-1700s)
Let's skip forward in time a bit to the next big change in Ukraine's history. In 1569 Poland and Lithuania joined forces so they had a better chance of not being invaded every three days by Russia or Prussia. This commonwealth quickly became one of the largest countries in Europe taking over parts of Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Latvia and Estonia. Many ethnically polish people showed up to Ukraine in hopes of farming and using their not-yet-spoiled-by-radiation soil to grow food. The Ukrainians welcomed them with pretty open arms and intermingled with them. 

Also, let's not forget that this was the Renaissance and Poland knew it. Poland was the closest thing to a huge art producer like Western Europe that the Ukraine had and Poland introduced new ideas like making paintings of rich people and wearing feathers (and other renaissance things, but mostly those first two). 

Many of these Poles that showed up in Ukraine came to be known as Cossacks, which is where we get the term today. 

In 1648 the Cossacks rebelled in what is called "The Ruin" (finally historians give something a cool name). The Cossacks were sick of being ruled by Warsaw, which they feel didn't care about Ukrainians and Cossacks. They were almost totally independent at this point, but that meant they would have to fight their own wars and that's exactly what they did against their old parents The Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth as well as the Ottomans who just like being dicks and getting in the way. 

Here's where Russia shows up. They tell Ukraine (aka the Cossacks) "Hey guys. You're under threat of invasion by Poland-Lithuania at any time. That sucks. We hate them too. How about you let us build some forts in your land and we'll provide protection from them. We're totally not going to slowly overthrow your government and replace it with a puppet government that takes orders from us. That would be totally rude."

But, they did that though. Never trust Russia.

This however did have some upsides. The Ottomans were deathly afraid of Russia so immediately backed off and so did the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, before being partitioned back into nothingness.

But it was mostly bad. Russia, as mighty as they were, were incredibly afraid of uprising or revolution. They banned the Ukrainian language and suppressed their cultural identity, replacing it with a Russian one. 

SPLIT BETWEEN RUSSIA AND AUSTRIA (1700s-1991)
For most of the 1800s, Ukraine was split between Austria (and Austro-Hungary) and Russia, with it's massive empire. Russia was gaining territory so quickly it eventually became the largest Empire on earth in size, remnants of it remain today as the country of Russia. 

Ukraine, like Uzbekistan (from a couple posts ago) didn't like being under Russia's control. They fought in the Ukrainian War of Independence in 1917. They successfully set up a state (The Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic) but it only was independent for 3 years (1919-1922), before being consumed by the massive machine that was the USSR. 

In WW2 Ukraine was on the front lines as one of the first points of entry into the USSR from Western Europe and therefore a ton of fighting took place there. Ukrainians weren't all that thrilled to fight under the flag of a country they hated, but they also felt the need to defend their land against the Nazis and Italians. 

Post war this new-fangled body called the UN was starting up in from the ashes of the LON and they wanted Ukraine to be in it. But the USSR said "How can one of my constituents act as an independent country. That'd be like asking if Virginia wanted a seat in the UN, without considering the USA". But Ukraine got in, even though it was technically a part of the USSR. The UN shows favoritism for smaller scrappy states that want independence, rather than large monolithic Empires. 

INDEPENDENCE (1991-PRESENT)
When the USSR collapsed, Ukraine became one of the largest new nations with a land area larger than  most countries in Europe and a large population as well. 

The independence referendum which was just a formality at this point got 90% of the vote (only 56% in Crimea, showing their early signs of wanting to split) and they were off on their on way. 

Things were rocky at first, like the path for most new nations, and the country was full of corruption, political prisoners and other problems that you'll find all over Eastern Europe and the former Soviet countries. 

Things were at a boiling point when Leonid Kuchma, president of Ukraine was convicted of abducting journalist Georgiy Gongadze, who ran an anti-establishment internet newspaper. Kuchma said he wouldn't run for a second term because if he did he would probably get like 0.00001% of the vote. 

Their next president Yushcheko tried to cut ties with Russia favoring the EU. He thought fostering relations with the rest of Europe would be a good idea. He was right. Too bad his plan couldn't be enacted because he lost the election to Viktor Yanukovych another Ukrainian politician named Victor with a last name starting with "Y". 

He is known to many in the west as a Putin suck up, who carried out illegal political imprisonment and the guy who had a petting zoo installed at his mansion, but when reporters questioned why he would have such a thing claimed all of the animals (mostly ostriches) just showed up there and congregated by themselves.

In 2014 Russia invaded the Crimean peninsula and Yanukovych just kind of let it happen. I WONDER WHY!?!? He let it happen because him and Putin are pals. This invasion split the country. Some were pro EU and Anti-Russia, and some were Anti-EU and pro Russia. 

Now Ukraine is in a full on war over Crimea with the death count in the thousands (mostly civilians) with a crumbling economy and rampant corruption. So, it can only get better, I guess.

FUN FACTS
If you don't count Russia, Ukraine is the largest country in Europe by Area.
It is common to say "Ta ni" which translates to "Yeaaaaaaah, no"
Subway stations are massive, because they were designed to hide war-planes and bombs in war time.
Ukraine isn't as big as Texas.

A History of the Ukraine, Part 1

PROFILE

Region: Eastern Europe

Climate: Temperate, Continental, Seasonal

Leader(s): Volodymyr Groysman, since 2016 (at time of writing)

Population: 42,539,010

Capital: Kiev, also spelled Kyiv

Largest City: Kiev
Currency: Ukrainian Hryvnia
Languages: Ukranian

Independence: 1991, from the USSR
Territories or Colonies: None

EARLY HISTORY & THE NOMADS (????-900s)
Ukraine was first populated with Neanderthals thousands of years ago, but they all died out because Humans are much better at planning & thinking than the Neanderthals were. In the late BCE times around the turn of the millennium the area was populated mostly by Dacians, Cimmerians, Scythians and Sarmatians. These groups had ties to Rome and were probably considered by Rome subgroups of Eastern Barbarians.

Rome wasn't a huge fan of Barbarians considering they tried to sack Rome many, many times. The Romans were cautious of the Iron Age Ukrainians. They expanded their territory with camps in Greece and didn't attack Rome very much. These Iron Age Ukrainians were similar to the Caucasian (and I mean from the Caucasus, not White) nomadic groups that occupied what is now Russia, Georgia, Armenia, Azerbaijan and Iran.

Many different groups made Ukraine its home. After the Eastern Nomadic groups came the Bulgars, where Bulgaria gets its name from. Their capital city of Phanagoria lies right on the straight between Crimea and Russia, which now is kind of a part of Russia. This whole debacle is really confusing and I'll try to explain it later.

A History of The United Arab Emirates

PROFILE

Region: The Middle East

Climate: Hot, Dry, Desert-y

Leader(s): Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, since 2006 (at time of writing)

Population: 5.779.760

Capital: Abu Dhabi

Largest City: Dubai
Currency: UAE Dirham
Languages: Arabic

Independence: 1761, from the United Kingdom
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS
The United Arab Emirates is a country in the Middle East, in the southern portion of the Arabian Peninsula. Like the U.S. the UAE is more of an alliance than a country, but instead of states UAE is comprised of Emirates which are like mini-kingdoms. It's in a hot-arid desert climate and is very rich with oil, having the 7th largest oil reserves in the world. Recently it has moved from oil to tourism and investment, being known as a playground for the rich. The UAE is home to islands in the shape of the world map, large palm-shaped artificial islands, the worlds largest mall, the worlds tallest building, the future worlds largest amusement park and an indoor ski resort. 

However, this has led to a huge wealth-gap. While rich Emirati and rich foreign nationals live well, many poor Emirati and migrant workers from India, Pakistan and Southeast Asia face human-rights violations and terrible, near-slavery working conditions. 

The history might be kind of complicated considering UAE has seven independence dates in 1761, 1775, 1819, 1820, 1899, 1900 & 1952. 

BEFORE ISLAM (????-632) The Arabian region in general is known as a crossroads between Africa, Asia and Africa (the Old World) as Uzbekistan was in the last post. Scientists believe that the region was one of the first human populated places outside of Africa. The whole Arabian peninsula was populated with pre-Islam nomadic cultures that believed in folk religions.

One of these groups was the Umm an-Nar, who existed alongside the Egyptians in the 2000s BCE. The Umm an-Nar traded with North Africa and the rest of the Arabian Peninsula and like the Egyptians had a culture that was very burial-focuses. While they didn't quite construct 400 foot tall tombs, they had fairly ornate traditions building cylindrical fortresses out of stone. The era was a golden age for UAE cultures. Art and trade were very prevalent. Another interesting bonus fact is that Umm an-Nar means "Mother of Fire" which on the scale of cool names is pretty high alongside Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, the Gauls and Vestal Coffin a civil war figure.

The Umm an-Nar were followed by several groups like the Wadi Suq, who in comparison to the Umm an-Nar kinda Suqqed Ass. They didn't have nearly as many trade connections or as much art or ornate tomb construction as their predecessors.

Now you may wonder why anyone at all lived in this inhospitable desert before the invention of AC, advanced irrigation techniques or oil extraction. Back in these days these cultures knew how to work the land using their early irrigation techniques of building long canals that brought water deep into the desert. These canals could be as narrow as a foot, but they used gravity to carry water farther than many irrigation systems at the time.

Trade was another reason to stay. Southern Arabia was an important stop for Caravans going to Yemen or across the Red Sea to the cultures of the Horn of Africa like Ethiopia and Somalia or Egypt.

MUHAMMAD & ISLAM SHOWS UP (632-1500s)
The UAE's convenient location near-ish Mecca meant they were visited by Muhammad and
absorbed into his first caliphate which included Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Oman, the UAE, Bahrain and Qatar among other places. The locals took to the new religion rapidly and those who didn't were rapidly killed. The non-muslims lost the war of conquest, as most did.

The UAE was important to the expansion of Islam in other ways. The UAE port of Julfar was used as a stop on the way to Iran which was still Zoro-Astrian and the Muslims weren't into that.

Islam stayed the dominant system of beliefs and culture for most of the next 1000 years until 
the Portuguese showed up.

THE PORTUGUESE & OTTOMANS (1500s-1790s)
Ok, so it's the 16th century and you're the head of Portugal. You're empire is already doing pretty well with holdings in Africa & Brazil but you're noticing that the Indian Ocean is the hot new ocean (quite literally as it's a very warm ocean, but it was also hot shit back then) and you want to get in on it.

The Portuguese had this conundrum and decided the Arabian Peninsula was the way to go. Portugal actually did have some ties with Islam as many of its people were Muslim and it was part of the Caliphate for a while along with Spain, Southern France, Sicily and Malta.

Vasco da Gama, who was Portugal's star explorer was at the head of Portugal's Indian Ocean expeditions, and while Portugal was more interested in Macau and Portuguese India, they did have large territories in the UAE.

In the early half of the 18th century the Ottoman Empire was gaining power. They had existed since the 1200s, but they were at their largest from 1680-1720. They controlled vast portions of Tunisia, Libya, Egypt and other areas in North Africa as well as large parts of the Middle East and Eastern Europe.

THE BRITISH MAKE DEALS (1790s-1930s)
If you remember from the Yemen post the Brits were in a full on race with Russia to colonize the Middle East and Britain was winning. To ensure they won, in 1892 they went to the weakened leader of the Al Qawasim dynasty. This dynasty had lost power  because of attack from the British. They then went to the Al Qawisim and basically said. You guys can still rule the Emirates, but we're gonna technically own them and we're gonna collect taxes and impose some new laws. 

The British did this a lot. It's called home-rule and while it's technically better than having some pasty British guy boss you around, it's still not preferred.

The region was known as a hotspot of pearl fishing, along with the southern coast of India and Sri Lanka. The British wanted that pearl money, but the depression in the 30s along with other factors, like people not wanting pearls as much as diamonds and other more expensive gemstones and the ability to raise oysters domestically led to this industry tanking. UAE didn't see the example Zambia set when they put all of there eggs in the copper basket and said "Oh no, we've put all of our resources, infrastructure and money into a fickle industry with a finite amount of resources". But, then oil was discovered so they said "Let's put all of our resources, infrastructure and money into this fickle industry with a finite amount of resources!" 

THE BRITISH LEAVE AND THE UAE IS BORN (1930s-PRESENT)
The country, with its newfound oil wealth had new capital to start a country and tell the British to fuck off. Oil exports began in 1962 and the country used its newfound wealth to build new roads, public works projects and a new drydock-port system in its major port towns of Abu Dhabi and Dubai. And calling these places towns was fairly apt. While Dubai and Abu Dhabi are now towns with more than a million people each back then they had only 150,000 & 90,000 people respectively, less than some suburbs. 

But the population spiked with the arrival of foreign nationals who saw the opportunity to get work as contractors, architects and designers of the UAE's many ridiculous and insane projects. 

The UAE in many ways is like the Middle East's Vegas. It was a small desert outpost that was taken over by some shady businessmen and was transformed by a newfound industry into a massive, tacky blob. But like Las Vegas, the UAE has many problems deep down. Only 10% of the residents of the UAE are citizens, the rest being foreign migrant workers, primarily from India and Pakistan (40%) and other migrant workers and western foreign nationals. This means only one in ten get any representation in the government, which itself is very backwards. 

The UAE is a complicated mesh of seven absolute monarchies, so democracy isn't really involved. Imagine if the US had only seven states and each was ruled by a wealthy family from that state. This is kind of how this works. 

The UAE has been criticized, like Bahrain and Qatar for its atrocious human-rights record. Many migrant workers die during the construction of these massive projects. Also it's illegal to be gay in the country, with one man on trial for a "gay handshake". This man reports not being gay, but handshaking another man in a way that "offended the government". 

Also many of the monarchs of the UAE are convicted rapists and torturers who get a pass because they are in the rich upper class.

FUN FACTS
The UAE contains the worlds largest skyscraper, shopping mall, theme park and many other world records.
The UAE contains the worlds fastest roller coaster.
There's a hotel in Dubai that's apparently so nice it's the only seven star hotel in the world.
The Dubai police drive Lamborghinis.
There are ATMs in Dubai that dispense gold.
Dubai has no sewer, just trucks that drive poop from houses to treatment centers.
You have to have a liquor license just to drink by yourself.
The Emirate of Abu Dhabi owns most of the Chrysler Building in Manhattan.

A History of Uruguay, Part 2

URUGUAY PUSHED AROUND (1811-1828) Uruguay's history of being pawned off from Spain to Portugal wasn't over yet. When Argentina gained their independence in 1811 as the United Provinces of Rio de la Plata. While the Uruguayans weren't thrilled to be under Argentine control it was better than Spanish control. Well, almost anything was better than being under Spanish rule. At least now they wouldn't get taxed excessively and have all of their exports stolen by a country that was thousands of miles away, now they would just be stolen by a country tens of miles away... Better, I guess.

Their brief period of independence was just that... brief when Portuguese Brazil attacked in 1816. Portugal saw all of this independence floating around South America and they weren't having any of that so they ordered their most powerful possession Brazil to annex Uruguay as a province of Brazil. This was hard with a Spanish speaking populace that had ties to Argentina and Spain, but they figured they could do it because Uruguay had history as a Portuguese colony, and it was successful by 1824.

Uruguayans were pissed. They had now been traded off three times to different governments and it was getting stressful to have to change the signs, money, national anthem and flag every two years just because some colonial power felt threatened so they decided "enough of this bullshit" and ordered for independence.

I've noticed most declarations of independence can be summed up with "Enough of this bullshit. I'm out".

BURGEONING POLITICAL FREEDOM (1828-1864)
The revolutionaries that called for Uruguay's freedom were called the Thirty-Three Orientals, called this because there were Thirty-Four of them... Good job! These Thirty-Three or Four Orientals were hugely popular as liberators and both formed new political parties: the Blancos and the Colorados.

The parties immediately aligned with their much more powerful neighbor to the south Argentina, but that proved rough when half of the country was exiled during the rule of dictator Juan Manuel de Rosas.

The Blancos aligned with Rosas, while the Colorados aligned with his opposition, most of which had been exiled, conveniently, to Uruguay.

After yet another invasion, this time by Argentina, Uruguay was a bit tired of being constantly invaded so they fought off the invasion and invested in less easily-invaded cities, I would think. 

URUGUAYAN CIVIL WAR & AFTERWARDS (1864-1933)
Uruguay saw what was going on the United States at this time, fighting a huge Civil War and thought "that's a great idea" and set off, not the first, but the second civil war in Uruguay's only 36 year history. Come on guys!

This one was extra-bad because other countries got involved in a proxy-war, that escalated into a full-on real one (Vietnam style). The Blancos were backed by Brazil, while the Colorados were backed by Argentina, so this was less of a Uruguayan civil war and more of an excuse for Brazil to fight Argentina.

This war was less important for Uruguay than it was for Paraguay, Argentina and Brazil as it fucked up the whole area for decades.

After the war the victorious Colorados ruled Uruguay for almost a century. It was a rough time for the country. The Colorados were ideologically split, the Blancos staged several attempted coups and revolts (because they didn't like losing 95 years in a row) and huge number of immigrants from Europe flooded the border. This was back when Europeans immigrated to Latin America, rather than the opposite. (You have to remember that a lot of Western Europe in the late 19th century was really shitty.) 

For the second time in Uruguayan history a problem was solved with cows (and sheep) as the government invested in livestock to reinvigorate the economy. The bank was established and the country was connected with telegraph and major ports and canals.

The industrial revolution didn't miss Latin America and Uruguay reaped many of the benefits of it. 

In 1903 these changes were furthered by president Jose Batlle y Ordonez who set up a system of welfare and introduced universal male suffrage, lowered taxes for the poor, set up schools, gave women the right to divorce, brought Telephone to Uruguay, introduced Unemployment benefits, set up an 8 hour day and 5 day work week and abolished religion in government. This guy was like Uruguayan Bernie Sanders, or maybe FDR, but in 1903!!! 

COUP & DICTATORSHIP (1933-1985)

Of course all of these good things couldn't last. Most world leaders are more Mussolini that Ordonez and in 1933 Mussolini fanboy Gabriel Terra took hold during one of the world economy's worst times: the Great Depression. The Great Depression affected all countries that were connected to the stock market, one of which was Uruguay.

Uruguay was in full insane-spiral. A new constitution was drafted which was so revolting to former president Baltasar Brum that he ran into the central square of Montevideo and shot himself in protest.

In WWII Gabriel Terra broke ties to Germany (because even Hitler was too dictator-y for some dictators). It was neutral in WWII, but supplied food (primarily those cows) to the allies. Uruguay did pretty well economically during the 40s & 50s, even though it was run by Gabriel Terra, a guy who looks like an Indiana Jones villain's slightly more buffoonish brother and his cronies.

In the 60s a group tired of government rule began robbing banks and giving money to the poor like Uruguayan Robin Hood, but unlike real Robin Hood they were immediately quelled by CIA affiliate US OPS who trained the Uruguayan police to use crocodile clamps and car batteries to torture people. Yay America!? 

Full Dictator-mode was put into effect once again in 1973 when civil liberties were slowly stripped away and the government was replaced with a Military administration. There were elections in the late 70s and 80s, but the only voters were a shadowy military council, so is it really democracy... The answer is no.

The military administration made heavy use of the Stalinist tactic of dissapearance. This is when you kill someone, and then take incredible, almost insane care to wipe every instance of their existence off of any records: census, destroying anything they've written, destroying records of conversations and even photoshopping them out of photos like Stalin did.

Turning this photo of Stalin with some guys to his left and a young-looking soldier on the right into a photo of Stalin with some guys to his left.


This tactic makes it hard to tell how many were killed by the military regime, because they weren't just killed, they were made to look as if they never existed.

RETURN TO STABILITY (1985-PRESENT)

After the military administration was deposed Uruguay returned to a pattern of democratic voting. In 1989 Luis Alberto Lacalle instituted some new economic reforms. In the 90s primary elections were instituted to make their democracy more closely resemble our broken democracy. Which is an odd choice, but okaaaaaay...

The Colorados which had existed from Uruguays beginning to the present still are in government. You might also know president Jose Mujica who became kind of famous on the internet for being both president of Uruguay and a cute old man. He was called "the poorest president" only recieving a salary of $14,000 a year, after he donated 90% of it to charity. He also drove a rusty Volkswagen Beetle instead of the presidential car. This guy seems pretty legit.

A History of Uruguay

PROFILE

Region: Southern South America

Climate: Seasonal, Humid, Subtropical

Leader(s): Tabare Vazquez, since 2015 (at time of writing)

Population: 3.324.460

Capital: Montevideo

Largest City: Montevideo
Currency: Uruguayan Peso
Languages: Spanish

Independence: 1825, from Brazil
Territories or Colonies: None

THE FACTS

Uruguay, officially the Oriental (Eastern) Republic of Uruguay, (the Western Republic of Uruguay technically being the Entre Rios province of Argentina, as it is on the west bank of the Uruguay River, while Uruguay is on the east.) Uruguay is a relatively small country in South America that is often confused with the other -guay nation, Paraguay.

Uruguay has a high Human Development Index and is advanced when it comes to things like political freedom and clean water. Montevideo, the capital, is rated as the best city in South America to live in based on census and WHO data.

BEFORE AND DURING COLONIZATION (????-1600s)
Uruguay shares a lot of its pre-European history with Brazil, and in fact a lot of its post-European history as well. Uruguay was a province of Brazil for a while and much of its culture as well as customs and cuisine are similar. You may think that because Uruguay was a province of Brazil it speaks Portuguese, but Uruguay speaks its own dialect of Spanish: Uruguayan Spanish, which like Argentine Spanish has some differences from say Mexican Spanish, or Spanish Spanish. It has a large Italian influence, like neighboring Argentina’s Spanish.

The indigenous peoples of the area, were very similar to the indigenous people groups in Southern Brazil. Uruguay was hit especially hard by the arrival of Europeans. Most Central American, South American and Caribbean countries’ populations are made up of people who mostly descend from European settlers and native peoples. These people are called Mestizo, Mestiso, Creole or Kreyol. Uruguay followed a path more similar to that of the United States. The Europeans didn’t really mingle with the native people in Uruguay as they did in other places. The European settlers instead nearly wiped out the native population with disease and constant attack.

Sadly today, there are very few if any native indigenous Uruguayans.

Colonization first began 14 Years after Columbus landed on the continent. The Portuguese wanted a piece of the colonization cake and (as you probably guessed) they got it. Portugal had a fairly expansive colonial empire, if you take into account the fact that it was all based in a country roughly the size of Maine, with only about a million people. Portugal grabbed hold of Eastern South America, while Spain dominated Northern and Western South America.

Uruguay was a sort of keystone, where both empires met and of course this was a problem. Portugal controlled much of Brazil, along the coasts and riverbanks. The inner Amazon had not been explored yet. Spain grabbed almost the entirety of the west, as far south as the glaciers of Chile, and France held pockets in between. Uruguay was on the Atlantic end of a long colonial border between the two giants. Even though Uruguay and Spain had been allies in the fight to colonize all of Latin America, the two were still fiercely competitive.

Uruguay and Paraguay may sound similar but their geographic placement makes them quite different. While Uruguay was very heavily colonized with tons of missions and churches built. Montevideo like most South American cities has an old colonial center. However, Paraguay is in the category of countries that are inland and weren't colonized until later. This is why countries like Bolivia (which was one of the most inaccessible areas) weren't as heavily colonized.

The Portuguese began by building a capital city Colonia do Sacramento. The capital later moved to Montevideo in the early 18th century when Spain got involved. Colonia do Sacramento was designed as a gateway for Portugal to the Southern portion of the continent, but they were never able to colonize farther south because of Spanish influence.

RUSH FOR URUGUAY (1600s-1811)

The Spanish saw the threat of the Portuguese incursion and rushed to build their own settlement and capital city in 1726, calling it Montevideo. It was settled by Bruno Mauricio de Zabala who was a.) named Zabala and was b.) a pirate hunter, so he had a lot going on.

In 1750 the treaty of Madrid was signed by Ferdinand the Sixth and John the Fifth of Spain and Portugal respectively. John wasn't super into Ferdinand on account of his wife being Austrian and Ferdinand inciting a useless war against them based on false information.

Meanwhile the Uruguayan native and mestizo people are being fucked because this constant squabbling between two colonial powers was the cause of trade problems and skirmishes.

It took twenty years for the Spanish to fully gain control of the land by just flooding it with Spanish cows and cowboys and saying "Those are Spanish cows, not Portuguese cows, so get the fuck out". This was back when socio-political conflicts could be solved with cows.

Spain held on to their colonial possession pretty evenly until 1806, when Britain decided it wanted in. Britain hadn't been very present in Latin America except for in Guyana, Honduras & Belize and most people don't think of the British when they're talking about Latin America.

Britain however was present in the region, even conquering the Falkland Islands later. At this time however Spain had taken over the Falklands and this made Britain mad, so it attempted a takeover. This however, as you may have guessed, was a failure, as they don't speak English in Uruguay.